Hi. My name is Jeff. Some of you already know that. Good-bye.
I’m retiring Dyspathy to cover metro Detroit full-time at MLive.com. Things will be different at MLive. For the better, I think. My writing style will stay true to Dyspathy’s essential elements: dated pop culture references, sentence fragments, and an gleeful desire to lance the boil of hypocrisy festering on our region’s ample hindquarters. Also, Garfunkel and Oates. I’ll find a way to work them in. Promise. Read More→
Dan Gilbert isn’t gonna be ignored, Lebron
Lebron James wife should probably invest is a reliable shotgun. Wait, is he married? Maverick Carter then. Or maybe Pat Riley. When Dan Gilbert isn’t slap-fighting with ex-employees at a children’s party or writing angry screeds in comic sans, the local king of reverse mortgages is twattering about people being assholes. Not that you should assume he was talking about Lebron James. Except he obviously was. Obviously, someone has serious problems with separation. Don’t worry, Dan, Tom Walsh will never leave you. (Deadspin)
Douchebags party like it’s 1997
They may have replaced the wide cuffed pants with skintight Ed Hardy t-shirts, but the obnoxious set still love their shitty techno music and ecstasy. Actually you can probably keep the Ed Hardy gear and techno music. Douchebags can live on ecstasy alone. That’s really good news for Michigan because all the X is coming from Canada. Across our borders. Yeah economic activity! You can now see why it’s so important for C. Montgomery “Matty” Moroun to build his second span. (Freep) Read More→
Sometimes I imagine Garfunkel and Oates have a radical homosexual agenda and they let me watch. I actually go back to that image quite often. Over share?
Ingham County Prosecutor’s election must be on the horizon
A couple Michigan State basketball players allegedly got a little rapey. At least that’s what the campus police thought. The prosecutor, on the other hand, hates to rush to judgement. Before all the facts are in. Besides, the alleged players are sorry. You know, for this unfortunate misunderstanding. Not only to the alleged victim, but more importantly to their teammates. Who they’ve really let down. These guys understand they need to behave in a way that’s more in line with Spartan values. Hopefully, with the help of Jesus, they will rise above this incident. Like Ben Roethlisberger. (Michigan Messenger)
Worst. Film studio. Ever.
Allen Park residents fondly recall the golden age of metro Detroit cinema. When colorful producers like Jimmy Lifton unveiled glamorous plans for a massive studio development. Oh, they had stars back then! All of Allen Park was crazy about being in the pictures. That was a long time ago. Eighteen months later, Unity Studios never really got off the ground and they’re moving their operation to Tech Town. Which is like making movies in Vancouver instead of Hollywood. Where’s the glamour in that? (News-Herald) Read More→
Your decennial Census cockpunch
Some exciting news from our friends at the U.S. Census Bureau…everything is just awful. Not only are we poorer, we are twice as poorer as the rest of the country. People in Sterling Heights are especially poors. Won’t somebody think of the Applebees? There are also a lot more black people in Macomb County. That is to say, St. Clair County can expect a huge influx of bitter, old white people by the 2020 Census. On the plus side, while Detroit probably lost hundreds of thousands of residents, it made Stuff White People Like. (DetNews, Freep)
City business is only conducted every other Monday
Council is backing Dave Bing’s plan to bring the hammer down on city unions with a forced 10% pay cut. Detroit’s public employees will get days off without pay every other Monday. Which is when all city business is conducted, according to AFSCME negotiator Catherine Phillips. Doesn’t Bing and Council know that Detroit is a finely tuned machine? If you mess with the system this delicately balanced, pretty soon the streetlights won’t work, rape kits won’t be processed, and someone will forget to pay the Fire Department’s utility bills. Oh wait. (Freep) Read More→
Oh hell. Let’s just consider the above video sufficient comment on Rochelle’s latest Helen Lovejoy-esque screed. (Freep)
TV shows may be different than reality
So you know all of those police procedurals where they always manage to find some incriminating semen sample all over the evidence? Real life may not actually work that way. While we’re at it, you should probably know that some dumb hillbilly can’t strike oil while shooting up some food with a shotgun. And criminal fugitives wanted by the Army probably can’t hide in a panel van with a giant orange stripe. Also, unlike Perry Mason, most criminal defense lawyers don’t only defend the innocent. (DetNews)
The great Bernero-Snyder coffee klatch summit
As uncivilized as some people may find it, famous nerd Rick “Michigan” Snyder and Lansing anger bear Virg Berneo will debate. Once. On public television. The winner gets a totebag. The loser has to watch the Rich Dad/Poor Dad infomercial during the next pledge drive. Snyder and Bernero worked out the details over coffee. Like regular folks! Snyder ordered a half-caf skinny carmel macchiato and Bernero drank watery Cadillac Coffee from the local tool and die shop. (Crains) Read More→
Today we bring you an encore performance from guest blogger week. Sally Subterfuge shares this dispatch from the Real Michigan, where Truck Nutz hang low on gun-racked pickups. Maybe you big city queers can learn a thing or two. – WF
The Victorious Warren Tea Party Attracts Results. Also White Supremacists
When the Warren Tea Party circulates a petition, it gets results. That is because it is the voice of Real AmeriKKKa. When your petition drive is this successful, does it even matter if your “chief organizer and spokesperson” is also a skeevy white-supremacist? Oh, probably not, but anyways… How is it that Michael Bertollini is 23 and yet doesn’t know how to Google his fellow patriots? Someone should show him how to work this series of tubes so that he could perhaps learn that his new BFF “Thomas Kuettner” is also probably the secretly famous “Evan Thomas,” one of the “up-and-coming leaders of a new wave of white supremacy.” Thomas-whatever-his-name-is is seen here being a pale “young Michigan dynamo” next to this evil, old, red-faced Neo-Nazi Paul Fromm, who would later give the keynote speech at Vox Nationale’s Grand Meeting to Save White America from the Brown Menace Extravaganza. And look here: Evan Thomas also has racisty things to say on the internet. Shocking. Here’s a fun example of holocaust denial: Read More→