RECYCLING AP U.S. HISTORY PAPERS OR… ASSIGNMENT DETROIT: THE DRINKING GAMEBy
In the landmark 1941 essay The American Century, Time Magazine publisher and future LSD fan Henry Luce envisioned a world molded by American missionaries preaching the dual good news of liberal democracy and free enterprise. American Exceptionalism would lead the world to peace and prosperity, Luce believed. Sometimes a great notion, indeed.
Famous Stalinist and Theosophist weirdo Henry Wallace thought Luce was full of shit and offered instead the Century of the Common Man, which had something to do with corn. Nearly 70 years later, Luce’s work provides the philosophical underpinnings of neo-conservativism, and by extension the Iraq War, while Wallace’s dreamy idealism wrought high fructose corn syrup.
We tell you all this because, while Detroit’s common slobs can find a virtual smorgasbord of corn-based crap food in any ghetto liquor store, American Exceptionism (nearly a decade after the American Century ended) has only now arrived in Detroit. Time and CNN kicked off their historic Assignment Detroit project this week. We must greet them as liberators, with flowers and song.
Time has already profiled development superstar Brian Holdwick. One only needs to look around Detroit to see what an amazing job Holdwick has done at the DEGC. Sigh. They’ll learn.
We’re stuck with the Time/CNN folks and, for better or worse, they’re stuck with us. It’s like a family gathering. The only way to survive is to drink. A lot. That’s why we’re offering Assignment Detroit: The Drinking Game. Here are the rules:
• Every Detroit as New Orleans post-Hurricane Katrina reference, drink.
• Every mention of landmarks demolished or soon to be demolished, drink.
• If the demolished (or soon to be demolished) landmark is supposed to be an allegory for the city itself, drink again.
• Anytime Super Bowl XL is mentioned, drink some domestic macrobrewed beer.
• Every time they use a picture of the Renaissance Center, drink
• If they report that professional sporting events lift our weary spirits, drink.
• If you spot a Time/CNN reporter at Honest?John’s, drink a shot of Kessler.
• For every reference to urban farming, urban prairie, urban pioneers or anything else that sounds like a bizarre miscegenation of Welcome Back, Kotter and Little House On The Prairie, drink.
• If they drop tired booster jargon such as creative class, cool cities, urban experience, drink a Pabst.
• If they drop tired jargon such as gritty, blue-collar, hard-working, or brawn, drink a Strohs.
• For every photo of a redevelopment cropped to hide a gapping eyesore, drink.
• If they solicit the opinions of Kid Rock, Eminem, Jack White, or Brian “This Time” Vander Ark, drink. Actually drink twice if it’s Vander Ark.
• When a Time/CNN reporter is a victim of a crime, finish your drink and start a new one.
• Every time the dullards at DetroitYES complain that Time/CNN is being mean to Detroit, drink (this rule alone will get you shitfaced and quick).
In the spirit of Web 2.0, feel free to offer your own rules in the comments section and we’ll periodically update the official rules. With a little creative class ingenuity and blue collar grit and determination, this little urban prairie can spend the next year good and pickled. (Assignment Detroit)
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