WARREN EVANS LIKES TO PARTY AFTER 2 AM, GRANHOLM KINDA PAYS ATTENTION, AND LIFT YOUR GLASS FOR THE DRINKING GAMEBy
Corktown won’t support the local police
Warren Evans is a dedicated law enforcement professional who would never do something as morally repugnant as operate an illegal after hours known for drug activity in one of the city’s most stable neighborhoods. So why is Corktown upset just because Evans happens to own the building of an illegal after hours in their community? After all, his own deputies raided the place back when he was Sheriff. True, his deputies didn’t show up at the hearing so all charges were dismissed. That was probably just a scheduling mix-up. There’s no reason to believe Evans, a real sweetheart of a man and the Free Press editorial boards dream mayor, would ever put unethical pressure on his subordinates to protect his illicit business interests. How dare Corktown even suggest the mere appearance of impropriety? (DetNews)
May we suggest Saint Hubbins?
The archdiocese is looking for metro Detroit’s patron saint. Most of the good one were taken by other places but there’s no reason we can’t have a unique patron saint. Perhaps St. Hubbins? He’s an obscure saint but don’t count him out. For one thing, Hubbins’ only patron saint duty is to quality footwear so he has plenty of time to lobby on our behalf with, you know, God. Plus, Detroit is a manufacturing town and St. Hubbins is the patron saint of a manufactured product. Mother Church likes to have a saint’s patronages connected. For instance, St. Nicholas is the patron saint of both sailors and prostitutes. We are so going to hell. (Freep)
Granholm: hey don’t do that, seriously
With less than a week until state government shuts down, Republicans want to make severe, and probably unpopular, spending cuts to balance the budget while the Democrats are talking about raising taxes. That’s never popular. Most people want the Democrats to make spending decisions and Republicans to make taxing decisions which is why democracy sometimes sucks really hard. That’s why the American system of governance features a strong, popularly elected executive who can explain tough choices to the citizenry and help push legislatures toward statesmanlike decisions. Sadly, no one ever anticipated an executive as spineless and ineffective as Jennifer Granholm. (DetNews)
Who knew anyone worked at City Airport?
Team Bing announced 230 layoffs from seven departments. One of those departments is City Airport. Really. People actually work as City Airport. Doing what, we couldn’t tell you because we always assumed the airport was one of those abandoned ruin porn sites with the overgrown vegetation and pheasants and hipsters taking pictures. There you go. There’s actual activity at City Airport. Detroit rises. You know what was awesome? Flying Proair out of City. You could order one last drink at the old Honest?Johns 15 minutes before your flight and still make your flight with time to spare. They sold the tickets on the plane like old timey trains, right? 1997 was a very good year. (Freep)
Future Dyspathy global headquarters?
Sunday marks the tenth anniversary of the last game at Tiger Stadium. Robert Fick was Brandon Inge before Brandon Inge. You’d think the city’s planning wizards would have some idea of what to do with the site but they don’t have a clue. After nine years they gave up on saving the damn thing and they knocked it down. Well, they started to knock it down and then they had to stop for a couple months because the city forgot to get the necessary permits. They can kiss our asses if they think we’re waiting in line at CAYMAC to pull permits next time we want to build an addition. Anyway, if you have ideas for Michigan & Trumbull, send them to Mayor Dave Bing; 2 Woodward; Detroit, MI 48226. (Freep)
Just call work now and say you’re too “sick” to come in
Dan Okrent invented rotisserie baseball. That’s man crush worthy. Okrent’s actually decent Time story triggers the Drinking Game multiple times. Rule 23: If they write about Brooks Patterson without mentioning the Pontiac busing battles of the 1970’s, drink an Irish car bomb. Once you’ve knocked back your Jameson-in-Guinness, open a Mickey’s because Okrent wrote about the ’67 riots. Rule 17: Anytime they write about the 1967 riots, drink a Mickey’s 40 oz. And if you can still see straight, pour one more because Okrent also triggered rule 14: Every time the dullards at DetroitYES complain that Time/CNN is being mean to Detroit, drink. DY’s “Lowell” is upset because Okrent wrote about Devil’s Night but not the “triumph of Angel’s Night.” A massive volunteer effort required to prevent an annual orgy of arson is triumphant? Bottoms up. (Assignment Detroit)
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