Sep
28

LET’S SEND EX-CONS TO SAYWATANAYO, RICK SYNDER TO MAKE MICHIGAN AWESOME LIKE A GATEWAY 2000, AND LIONS WIN ACTUAL GAME

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Prison cuts to create angrier, more violent ex-cons
Lansing will balance the budget by cutting prison spending. What a great idea! Releasing non-violent drug offenders can save the state millions of dollars and the shift from incarceration to treatment will help reduce drug abuse and crime over the long-term. Which is why Lansing isn’t buying any of that hippie bullshit about mollycoddling non-violent drug offenders. No, instead they’re cutting funding to prison food service and rehabilitation/education programs. Great. Ex-cons will emerge from their 5-7 stints with nothing to lose and pissed off because of a sawdust bread diet. Tell you what, just take the wallet now and we can just skip the whole mugging. (DetNews)

Local internet pamphlet lifts fabulist Mitch Albom in self-serving hype
Famous friend of Oprah Mitch Albom wrote another book! And it’s non-fiction! Heh. That’s what he said about his Mateen Cleaves-watches-to-the-Final-Four column. This time (our time), the Free Press didn’t bother commissioning an objective review from an independent writer. We all know how that worked out before. The Freep did splash a gushing interview with their star fabulist on the front page of their website. In this book, Mitch talks to an old rabbi instead of an old professor. Also, it’s hard to write a 150-page greeting card-sized book. Sometimes it takes the whole flight to New York for the Sports Reporters taping. (Freep)

Rick Snyder wins first, probably last election
So adorable! Rick Snyder won the Michigan Republican Mackinac straw poll. In other words, Rick Snyder purchased more Mackinac Island hotel rooms than the other candidates. Mike Cox finished second. Dear Rick Snyder, we’ll stop making fun of your vanity campaign if you spend a ton of money on “urban legend” ads connecting Mike Cox to convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick. Make Cox Dukakis to Kilpatrick’s Willie Horton. The convicted rapist/murderer Willie Horton, not the baseball Willie Horton. We’d never confuse baseball’s Horton with a slob like Kilpatrick. Snyder, or someone, needs to hit Cox and hit him hard with that urban legend stuff. The prospect of a Cox-Cherry race next year…the state just can’t absorb the blow of that cockpunch. (DetNews)

Crains scoop! Art Van is having a sale
We’re talking 40, 50, and in some cases 60% off and they’ll pay your sales tax. Pay nothing until 2012. Probably because the warehouse is overstocked. Again. Hurry! Sale ends Wednesday and you won’t see another like it until Thursday. Or at Gardner-White. You can see how this is exciting news. Art Van is also concentrating on beds. The common mattress peddlers, such as those on Woodward’s Mattress Mile (between 12 and 13 Mile), don’t quite care for Art Van’s fancy mattress shoppes. But this strategy makes sense because now that we’re all unemployed, we might as well spend what little money we have on a good bed. Who wants to sleep 10-12 hours a night on an old army cot? (Crains)

The closest the Lions will get to a Super Bowl win
For the first time since everyone thought Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani would be the 2008 presidential nominees, the Detroit Lions have won a football game. By defeating the three-time Super Bowl champion Washington Redskins (Matt Millen was on their last Super Bowl roster), the Lions have lifted the spirits of this beleaguered but hard-working town. This is a victory for all of Detroit. The Lions stepped up and delivered where Michigan State, the Red Wings, and (probably) the Tigers have let us down. Tomorrow, Mayor Bing will announce plans for the victory parade and Hart Plaza rally. Matt Stafford, you are the new Bobby Layne. (Freep)

Categories : State of the State

7 Comments

1

“The common mattress peddlers…don’t quiet care for Art Van’s fancy mattress shoppes.”

Whoa, who’s your copy editor, Danny?

2

Oh good Lord, everyone knows Woodward’s Friend doesn’t have a copy editor. It’s part of his charm.

3

Our copy editor is an illegal immigrant with a fake Kenyan birth certificate. He doesn’t speak much English but he works cheap and thinks free band-aids is a super medical plan.

4

I am drinking a beer right now in anticipation of the inevitable Assignment Detroit SI article regarding the Lions. Anyone wanna join with me?

5

I think the Republicans are gonna stick us with Terri Lynn Amway & Macomb Mike Douchard. They are designed to win the Republican Primary, speaking to the Pyramid Schemers on the Left Coast and the angry White 586 crew on the east side. You’ve been warned.

6

Mike Bouchard is from Oakland County. He’s straight-up 248, yo.

7

sorry. I usually don’t confuse the 24hate with the 5hate6.

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