May
13

KEN COCKREL ENDS MONICA’S INTERIM REIGN OF TERROR, ROBERT “BOB” BOBB IS AWESOME, DAVE BING RUNS FOR MAYOR AGAIN, AND NOVI PRUDES FROWN UPON SIDEWALK SEX

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Ken Cockrel’s return is a very special After School Special
In this After School Special, Ken Cockrel is the City Council father and Monica Conyers is the mother. Everything is good until Cockrel has to go off in the Army or whatever become interim mayor and Monica takes to drink while he’s gone. Shortly before the 5:00 News With Bill Bonds, and to the relief of the children rest of Council, Cockrel comes home as is like “woman you are a disgusting drunk, this place is a mess, and the kids need breakfast. Get your shit together.” The kids Council applauds and hug their beloved sober dad President. That’s what happened yesterday except Monica was nowhere to be found. Probably because she’s passed out in a dumpster or something. What a terrible Council mother. (Freep)

Robert “Bob” Bobb sells of city’s precious education jewels
DPS will close or consolidate 26 schools in order to save money and efficiently educate Detroit’s children. That’s terrible. With fewer schools it’s harder for the political class to conceal their DPS graft operations. Robert “Bob” Bobb is so selfish. All he cares about is educating children and balancing the budget. Can you imagine what would happen if beloved former School Board member Alonzo Bates was still around? Bobb probably wouldn’t even let Bates fly first-class to dubious educational conferences in order to inspire the children. These kids need a role model like Alonzo Bates way more than fundamentally solid educational instruction. (DetNews)

Dave Bing will hold power anyway he can, most likely by re-election
Oh this Mayor Dave Bing is just so selfish. He just won the May election and now he wants to win the November election as well. Jesus Dave, you’re going to be mayor for the next six months. Isn’t that enough? Share the wealth. Bing will run against Tom Barrow. He was the Freman Hendrix of the 1980’s, losing twice to Coleman Young. Mitchell and Ness was already set to release a Tom Barrow ’85 throwback campaign t-shirt. I have the 1973 Mel Ravitz shirt and it is tits. Oh Ken Cockrel is running for Council again as is Joel Loving’s mother Annivory Calvert. That won’t be awesome or anything. (Freep, DetNews)

The condo board is not happy about this at all
Oakland County Commissioner Kim Capello lives in a condo complex with some very basic rules. For instance, you can’t leave wet bathing suits out to dry on the balcony. Loud music after 10:00 PM on weekdays is also forbidden. So is hot naked sex on the sidewalk with a woman who is not your wife. It doesn’t appear that Capello violated the bathing suit or noise rules but he did have sex on the sidewalk with this woman named Sheila Grogan. They were piss drunk but the condo rules make no exception for drunken naked sidewalk sex with someone who isn’t your wife. These rules are there to ensure everyone can enjoy the condo lifestyle. (Freep)

Detroit is the new Farm Aid
We’re getting benefit concerts, unsolicited advice from Dr. Phil, and now Eminem is flying a bunch of unemployed auto workers to LA to watch the Jimmy Kimmel Show live. Haven’t these people suffered enough? At least take them to a good show, Letterman or something. Pretty soon Madonna will start adopting kidnapping Detroit children in an effort to prove that she cares way more than Angelina Jolie. If Jolie tries to adopt Detroit kids, a close friend says, Brad Pitt will totally get back together with the chick from Friends. Heaven help us if Bono finds out about Detroit. THIS IS YOUR WOODSTOCK! (Rolling Stone)

Maury Povich is the real hero
These awful deadbeat dads just refuse the pay their child support and no one knows what to do about it anymore. Debtors’ prisons that force these scofflaws to work off their child support doing menial labor for the public good? No, that would be silly. Wayne County Circuit Judge Wade McCree has a better idea. He was sitting at home over Christmas, watching daytime TV and eating PopTarts out of the box when Maury Povich appeared on the screen like a vision from heaven. If he makes the deadbeat dads watch Maury Povich and think about why it’s wrong not to pay child support then they’ll totally pay up. That’s an air tight plan. (MLive)

Categories : State of the State

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