Nov
30

Holiday weekend news dump

By


Guy with Mullet is hero for our times
James Rosendall, the stool pigeon formerly known as Guy with Mullet, will be sentenced today. Prosecutors hope the judge is cool because Rosendall’s luscious mane is too beautiful for prison. Also, he totally gave up all his co-conspirators. That’s why Monica Conyers and Rayford Jackson are going to the hole for a long, long time. Meanwhile Sam Riddle is very unhappy with the Feds for going after mere Detroit politicians. They’re simple country folk, little people from humble backgrounds, unable to resist the bright lights and four-figure bribes from mid-level sludge executives with out-dated haircuts. (DetNews)

About that third newspaper
It’s probably a bad sign when a business venture can’t survive for a whole week. Zacarro’s managed to keep their doors open for a few months. Hell, even Cop Rock lasted a solid six episodes. Detroit Daily Press? After less than a week, it’s on hiatus until 2010. Kind of like the film version of Moneyball. The Daily Press will resume publishing after it moves into a new headquarters in the Cadillac Centre complex. Can’t wait to read about the new Olympia in the re-constituted Detroit Daily Press while riding the Detroit-Windsor gondola, operated by DARTA. (Crains)

If only James Dean’s Disease took out Martha Reeves in 1972

James Dean is enshrined in our collective imagination as the paragon of youthful rebelliousness. If Dean had lived, he would be nearly 80 now. Probably with a gut, bad hair piece, velour track suit, and several gold chains nestled in his exposed chest hair. Martha Reeves should’ve been so lucky as to wrap her Porsche around a tree in her 20s. Everyone would remember her pop songs. But she lived. And we all know she’s a dull narcissist with the IQ of a dead squirrel. Also, she’s hustling $5 tickets for her unelected from City Council party. Steve Wilson can’t use his secret ray gun to track her anymore. (DetNews)

News you can use
On the day after Thanksgiving, fancy stores like Kohl’s tortured the poors by making then stand in line at 4:00 am to purchase $10 DVD players or similar gimmicks. Black Friday also sucks for anyone that works in those shitty stores. But you know who enjoys this annual dumb tradition? Local tv news. Black Friday is like the Kennedy assassination combined with 9/11 for the 2, 4, and 7 hairsprays. Apparently, a lot of people went shopping Friday, some at ungodly hours, and a few even bought stuff. Good for the economy! (WXYZ)

That other Thanksgiving tradition
The Lions lost. Perhaps for the last time before a Thanksgiving audience on national television. Has anyone considered that Matt Millen was sent to Detroit as the late Lamar Hunt’s Manchurian candidate? Millen’s grotesque incompetence was an intentional effort to strip the Thanksgiving game from the Lions. No, forget that. Matt Millen is just a dumb slob who couldn’t build a winning fantasy football team in an organic food co-op league. Matt Millen was simply Lamar Hunt’s useful idiot. Maybe not 2011 but someday and soon, the Lions will lose that Thanksgiving day game.  (DetNews)

The world belongs to those not cursed with self-awareness
Free Press readers should be so lucky to trade Rochelle Riley’s inane drivel for the earthy wisdom of Annie Savoy. Remember how Rochelle gathered a bunch of regular moms to solve the state’s budget crisis? Well everyone is so impressed that they did it without raising taxes or cutting education funding! Their secret was a new 1% casino tax. That’s not raising taxes how? Does Rochelle Riley read even read what she writes? What about the editors at the Free Press? Just because you’re the vanguard of an industry’s demise is no reason to renounce any last shred of dignity. (Freep)

What constitutes news in Ann Arbor
Actual quote from AnnArbor.com article about pick-pockets: “Ann Arbor doesn’t have a pocket-picking problem.” It never hurts to be careful. That’s why Washtenaw County’s most beloved and celebrated internet pamphlet wants you to take certain precautions with your wallet. Like a rubber band. I go one step further and keep my wallet wrapped in a condom at all times. Ribbed, for her pleasure. You never know when sure unsavory State grad might be waiting behind you in line at The Ark. Or worse, an EMU alum. (AnnArbor.com)

Categories : State of the State

9 Comments

1
Downriver's Friend
November 30th, 2009 at 8:44 am

Detroit Daily Press – News for people who want to live in the past. Couldn’t see THAT epic fail coming.

2

If you are in Ann Arbor, I suggest you keep the condom in the wrapper in case you DO meet a State co-ed. You’ll recognize her as the pretty one. You might actually be inspired to have sex.

3

I love how the DDP blamed circumstances beyond its control for its epic FAIL. Exactly how is a lack of sales and advertising beyond one’s control?

4

Some organic food co-ops have *very * competitive fantasy leagues. I got Chris Johnson as a late round keeper so I’m shredding Kale these days, so to speak.

Still waiting for WF to get over his Sparty Love and write about the football team finally beating someone, too bad it was some other students.

5

I also liked Rochelle’s one-time $40 vehicle inspection fee. Fork over $40 and Rochelle will check to see if your car’s been neutered.

Such simpletonism. We can balance the budget without raising taxes — if everyone just writes a check for the money we’re short!

Dumb.

6

I think you should take your own advice and read what you write sometime.

7

The luscious mullet has been cropped! The party out back is now a little more business-like. Sure, it still curls over the collar a bit but it is clearly not the same. At least he had the decency to grow a molestache! Does this make him a top?

8

PotandKettle says:
November 30th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
I think you should take your own advice and read what you write sometime.

Ooh! Who should take what advice? Has Rochelle made an appearance?

9

Personally, I’ll be reading my DDP while waiting for the light rail train to come pick me up and take me to my job downtown at Quicken Loans…err, light rail and/or Godot. Whatever, I’m not picky.

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