Shepard Smith is all FIRE! FIRE!, Michigan receives road money on Bridge Card, and Notre Dame still thinks its better than you

Shepard Smith is a fire bug
Hyperbole! Oh noes! Shepard Smith, Fox News’ token class act, is pretty much disgusted by those miserable DPS test scores so he said someone should burn the whole place down. Figuratively. Had he said blow the whole thing up, no one would’ve noticed. But he said burn it down. Now everyone has their panties in a bunch because of Devil’s Night and shit. Seriously? This is the man who basically called Joe the Gay Porn Archetype a feckless douche and said Glenn Beck is a retarded paranoid. On Fox News. Let’s cut Shep some slack for one inelegant turn of phrase. (MLive)

Michigan is the new welfare queen
Turns out we won’t have to put up matching funds to get all that delicious federal road money. That means our third world transportation infrastructure will receive another year of insufficient maintenance. Of course, even that money goes away next year and not even Rochelle Riley’s coffee klatch will conjure up enough gimmicks to paper over the 2011 budget. Unless Lansing can make a $1000 a pack cigarette tax work, get used to shitty highways and byways. Roads are socialism anyway. (DetNews)

Another empty skyscraper
Comerica is consolidating their Michigan operations in the 411 W. Lafayette building. According to George Jackson that’s super awesome news for the west of Woodward section of downtown. The Detroit Economic Growth Corporation must have lost jurisdiction over the east of Woodward section of downtown because Jackson totally doesn’t care that Comerica is effectively vacating the…wait for it…Comerica Tower at Woodward and Congress. (Freep)

Convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick is still poors
Kilpatrick is still Covisent’s Sheldon Levine, bottom man on the board, unable to make a sale. He’s stuck with these deadbeat leads. George and Harriet blah-blah Nyborg and Ravitam Patel. The fucking god Vishnu came down and said buy the computer system. And the god Shiva too but Kilpatrick couldn’t close the deal. That’s why he can only pay $3000 a month in restitution. What with Carlita’s plastic surgery and all those Omaha Steaks, there’s just not that much left to go around. Omaha Steaks are for closers, Kwame. (DetNews)

Standish to get real ‘Mericans sociopaths
All those gross, dangerous A-rabs from Gitmo are going to Illinois but Standish is totally not sweating it. They have something so much better. Just like Sami Sweetheart passed on The Situation to hook up with Ronnie, Standish is totally over Gitmo. They’re hot for Pennsylvania’s murderers, pedophiles, and other criminal degenerates. That’s totally safer. It’s not like some white supremacist gang leader could ever escape and start a meth operation in the Thumb. (MLive)

Notre Dame is a-scared of the Fighting Illini
Now that the Irish don’t have Charlie Weis’ gross FUPA to kick around, they want to make it clear they aren’t joining the Big Ten. Because they’re special. Also independent. In football. Because NBC gives them lots of monies. As for other sports, they’re happy to be a middling program in the second tier Big East. So the Big Ten can suck it. And if the BCS revokes Notre Dame’s special privileges, the Pope will send them to hell. A place that resembles the Humanitarian Bowl. (DetNews)