May
18

NEW DOLLAR STORES, PRETEND JOBS, AND THE BOOMING BANKRUPTCY INDUSTRY WILL SAVE OUR DREADFUL ECONOMY

By



Detroit woos retailers with the worst slogan ever
Detroit wooed national businesses at some fancy retailer’s convention in Las Vegas with the slogan: “Come to Detroit, where pockets flush with disposable income remain chock-full.” Obviously, Detroit’s economic development gurus are not slaves to Strunk and White. Before anyone suggests alternative slogans (i.e. “Detroit isn’t that poors” or “Detroit: Open a store and we’ll buy you a whore”) let the record show that several dollar stores and the discount chain A.J. Wright are very interested in Detroit. Hopefully some bail bondsmen were impressed with Detroit as well because most world-class cities have multiple bail bondsman on their downtown’s main avenue. (DetNews)

Dyspathy expansion to create 55,000 new jobs
Well fine don’t believe us but pretty much every business in the state gets to stand at a podium with Jennifer Granholm and announce fake job creation. It’s only fair we get the same opportunity. Considering that Michigan’s tax credit programs have created only 24,000 new jobs in the last decade (compared to a loss of 700,000 jobs) you would think that the Michigan Economic Development Corporation would leap at the opportunity to announce our fictional 55,000 new jobs. We could do a commercial with Jeff Daniels or something. He was really good in The Squid And The Whale. (Freep)

Newspapers to become Mitch Albom and Rochelle Riley’s personal blog
The Free Press and News laid off another 150 employees on Friday. The paper’s combined workforce is now 12. Let’s cut to quick, most people in this God-forsaken state think reading is for fags and communists. The unemployed don’t even need the newspapers to sell their fishing boats because Craigslist is free. Give the people what they want, a blog of just Rochelle Riley and Mitch Albom’s inane crap. Don’t waste money with WordPress. Blogger will suffice. RSS feed sports scores and stock updates and call it a day. People get the rest of their news from Fox or TMZ anyway. (Crains)

Amway isn’t 50; they just recruited five 10-year-olds
In 1959, two friends had an idea to start a business. Rather than using traditional business models, these two visionaries convinced the world’s most naïve people to sell their soap and homeopathic dum-dum pills with a pseudo-patriotic/evangelical sales pitch. They got super rich on the backs of these saps and, despite a half-century of evidence suggesting that it’s nearly impossible for regular people to make real money with Amway, new idiots sign up every day. Amway makes billions every year with this triangulated marketing strategy but, whatever, Grand Rapids is a nice town because of it. And close to Chicago too. Now you know. (MLive)

Bankruptcy isn’t making Detroit rich
All over the country bankruptcy is the new growth industry. It is the subprime mortgage industry of 2009. Bankruptcy lawyers are making bank and spending cash. They’re buying fancy new Cadillacs (thus keeping auto dealers in business) and Italian suits (no recession for tailors) and throwing dollar showers from the VIP section of Manhattan night clubs (they can’t hire enough shot girls). Bankruptcy is literally keeping the American economy afloat. Except in Detroit. We aren’t seeing a dime of economic impact from bankruptcy. Maybe city officials need to go to a bankruptcy convention with a slogan like: Come to Detroit where mailboxes are flush with FINAL NOTICES and we’re chock-full of people who can’t pay their bills. Like Kandia Milton. (Freep)

Horrible judge harasses pension funds with dictatorial ruling
Amy Hathaway, of the powerful Hathaway judicial clan, is forcing the city pension funds to maintain all their travel records even though these poor pension funds just have no room to store these records. Barbara-Rose Collins’ trip to Dubai cost $20,000. Do you know how much space is require to store a file with $20,000 worth of expense reports? A lot. And if the pension board refuses to follow Hathaway’s ruling they could all be locked up for contempt of court. Government agents enforcing their fiat rulings at gun point. What is this Fascist Italy? If Huey Long or Old Man Daley were alive today…they wouldn’t even recognize this country. (Crains)

Categories : State of the State

10 Comments

1

for the record, san diego, while not exactly world class, has a veritable bailbondsmen district a block behind one of their main avenues

2
Woodwards Friend
May 18th, 2009 at 1:47 pm

Just out of curiosity, is that “veritable bailbondsmen district” near a…oh I don’t know…courthouse or criminal justice complex?

I’m sorry but that bail bondsmen on Woodward in the heart of downtown (and away from the courts and jails) is an indictment of this city’s ability to attract and retain retail.

3

2x on the San Diego. Bail Bonds takes up a couple blocks of prime downtown real estate.

Way more homeless too.

While the Bail Bonds storefront may be on Woodward, it is only a couple blocks from county, plus that guy was always shoveling snow and washing his windows, which is a f*ckload nicer than even Tall-eez shoes did this winter and don’t get me started on Higgins.

Woodward retail is taking it hard. Studio Couture finally disappeared and J-Bee’s shoes — two stores that rode out a lot of quiet time are now gone. We do have the flower shop that used to be in the Book, now, and a clothing store called Sasha’s by Tina with a comically bad window display of ten year old shit from Target. Also Chas Batch’s “the Woodward” is toast and Borders is on its way out.

So, we have Bail Bonds, Metro PCS, the Woodhouse Spa, Overpriced Breakfast, Inside Detroit’s Unemployment office for White Kids…and Fed Ex Kinko’s. What else do you need?

4
Woodwards Friend
May 18th, 2009 at 6:46 pm

Interesting stuff about San Diego. Gravity, I retract my pithiness.

“Inside Detroit’s Unemployment office for White Kids”

Win!

5

every city has a bail bonds district. it’s just that most of them have so much more than that to offer. I think that was WF’s point. San Diego retains some considerable scuzz on strips like Broadway up toward the freeway, etc, but Detroit has no Gaslamp Quarter.

6

Greektown is kind of our Gaslamp. Much smaller, sure….but we’re really just talking a few blocks four tourists to meander around in and eat the best SYSCO has to offer some crappy Irish Pub/Sports Bar. We can live without that.

A walk around the nicest parts of downtown San Diego, you’ll get asked for change about 5-10x more than you would in Detroit.

They do have a grocery store though, and we all know something like a Ralph’s would be the holy grail.

7

figured someone would bring up Greektown, but was hoping against hope it would not be followed by the statement that Detroit doesn’t need a Gaslamp Quarter. wow.

look, GC, its okay to prefer Detroit to San Diego, I certainly do, but let’s keep it real, for chrissakes.

also, more homeless on the streets of a city with the best weather of any major city in the united states? color me shocked.

8

there are different ways to entertain your tourists. the gaslamp is one of them. i’d actually rather see the cbd fill in with a variety of things people need, not exclusively bars and grilles for tourists with sidewalk seating. that’s all.

9

?????????? ??? ?????? ????? ?????????? ? ??????

10

Very interesting blog! Subscribed on rss. Regular will read it

Leave a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.