May
19

PENSION FUND FILE ROOM AS DISORGANIZED AS MONICA CONYERS’ SCHIZOPHRENIA, HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS HANG OUT ON LAWN, AND GRANDMOTHERS WHO SMOKE CRACK

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Pension funds filing system is just a box stuffed with papers
The Free Press wants to review all kinds of records from the city pension funds and the pension funds are totally willing to let them look at whatever they want. One problem, the slobs in charge of the pension funds don’t know where anything is stored. They have no searchable file system. Maybe they’ll buy one with their next dividend check from Enron but until then everything remains stuffed into a bunch of overflowing (and probably rotting) paper boxes. The whole place probably smells like cat urine and mold. The FBI will have some fun times trying to locate Monica Conyers’ travel records for their special corruption investigation. (DetNews, Freep)

Matty Moroun will totally fix up the train station this time
Billionaire industrialist and friend to the working man, Matty Moroun has learned his lesson. The Detroit City Council has shown him the error of his ways and he will definitely renovate the Michigan Central Station. He knows that if he doesn’t then the city will knock it down…with taxpayer money. Moroun’s man Mr. Smithers Dan Stamper will make sure the station becomes a new Homeland Security operations center just as soon as he figures out who to call at the government to see if Homeland Security would be interested in using the train station as an operations center. They’ll go along because Matty Moroun says the train station is perfect for Homeland Security and he’d never tell a lie. Just ask Frank Beckman, Alan Crospey (R-Bob Jones University), or Carolyn Cheeks-Kilpatrick. (Freep)

Students will use any excuse to take the day off
Western High School’s students were absolutely outraged because Principal Rebeca Luna will be laid-off at the end of the year. They decided to protest. Instead of going to class, the students hung out on the school’s lawn. These brave strikers suffered the elements during yesterday’s sunny, 70 degree weather. In other words, high school students skipped class. This isn’t news, it’s a pleasant day in May. But the Detroit Public Schools now understand that laying off Western’s principal is a bad idea. Just look at the spirit of education and discipline she’s instilled in her students. You know, the ones hanging out on the lawn instead of going to class. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! (DetNews)

Literally the worst grandmother in history
Some 55-year-old clump of skank out in Almena Township was watching her grandchildren Sunday and decided that smoking some crack would be the responsible thing to do in that situation. Then she beat the shit out of her boyfriend. While high on crack. And taking care of her grandchildren. Her daughters came to pick up the kids but grandma didn’t want to let them go. She reasoned they were better off with their violent, crack-addled grandmother. Then the police came and arrested her. If there is a God and if, as we all expect, God has a twisted sense of humor then this entire episode will be on Cops sometime next month. (MLive)

Like a squirrel, Rochelle Riley is fascinated with shiny objects
With so much going on locally right now, it’s hard for Rochelle Riley to decide what to write about in her column for the local internet pamphlet known as the “Free Press.” Today Rochelle tackles the important subject of tv musicals. This new show called Glee will be really good wholesome fun, Rochelle opines, because it’s just like High School Musical only more realistic. A lot of people who aren’t 13-year-old girls and their not-yet-out-of-closet gay boyfriends thought the High School Musical movies would have been better if only they were more realistic. Wait a second, with the obvious exception of Rochelle Riley; did anyone other than 13-year-old girls and their not-yet-out-of-closet gay boyfriends actually watch High School Musical? (Freep)

Categories : State of the State

3 Comments

1

The one thing the freep should still be able to afford is interns/co-ops. Turn the J-school kids loose this summer in the pension fund stacks. Before the internets and the google this was called “research.” This isn’t the only thing in this city trapped in the Olde Tyme daze, let’s not act surprised.

2

Your compassion is rivaled only by your misguided view of the world. Stop writing. Start living and learn how to change a tire or wire a lamp or make lasagna . . . put down your ipod, relax your thumbs and start utilizing the opposing nature of said digits. I other words, dear “writer”, get a life.

3

Hi Michael,

Thanks for commenting on a six month old post. As it happens, I am an accomplished lasagna chef, famous the world over for my combinations of sheet pasta, sause, meats, and ricotta cheese. Celebrities eat my lasagna.

Cheers!

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