If the White House was crazy enough to let Dyspathy craft the State of the Union, it would be this awesomeBy
“Democracy is the worship of jackals by jackasses.” – H.L. Mencken
My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight, in this magnificent chamber, for my first State of the Union address. I could tell you a tale about how my life validates the American dream and that, despite our current challenges, the state of the union is strong. Well, I’m not going to waste your time or mine with any of that tripe. The state of our union is miserable and it’s only getting worse.
Last week, Massachusetts elected a Republican Senator for the first time in over 30 years. The reasons for Scott Brown’s victory are numerous. He was a strong candidate who ran a great campaign but I would be remiss if I ignored how voters concerns about health care reform impacted this race. This week in the Senate, an odd coalition of left and right colluded to protect their narrow constituencies and defeat a bipartisan deficit reduction process. As your president, I will not ignore the messages sent from voters and their representatives.
You dumb slobs expect government to forever expand entitlement programs, unfailingly thwart every goat thief with matches in his underpants and visions of 75 virgins in his head, all while subsidizing almost every aspect of our supposedly market economy from airlines to corn fields. You also expect fresh rounds of tax cuts every year. Well, my fellow Americans, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Big government and low taxes are mutually exclusive.
I know you don’t want to hear some fancy-pants, over-educated, big city elitist – and a negro! – telling you hard truths but there it is. If you want to tape a picture of my face to a Curious George doll or spend an unpaid furlough day calling me a “lyin’ African,” have it. Your narrow, bigoted worldview doesn’t change the harsh reality we are all facing. Not for all the tea in China.
This nation is absolutely impossible to govern and will remain so as long as you continue to demand unfunded entitlements while complaining about your tax burden. We are beyond the point of reasonable policy solutions. Forget about health care. It was a rookie mistake to think we could tackle that issue. How can we reach consensus on national health care policy when so many Americans fear vaccines, fluoridated water, and psychiatry while swallowing fictions like homeopathic “medicine” and colonics? It’s ludicrous.
And yet, our medical system eradicates polio, virtually cures cancers that were a death sentence just a few years ago, and (for the right price) can fight AIDS as a manageable disease similar to diabetes. It boggles the mind that we remain unable and unwilling to make this amazing system available to all Americans.
There are reasons. A Republican Party that will oppose anything in a desperate effort to salvage itself from irrelevance. A Senator from Nebraska looking for Medicare pork. A Congressman from Cleveland – who, as Cleveland’s mayor, bankrupted that city – too eager to the make the perfect the enemy of the good. But the problem isn’t just Washington. When people can, with straight faces, call health care reform socialism because it may impact their totally not socialist Medicare and such people are taken seriously then we are morally bankrupt as a nation.
See, and again excuse my elitism here, the world doesn’t work like a $3.95 all-you-can-eat prime rib and shrimp Vegas buffet. While you are feasting on entitlements, defense industry jobs, and government subsidized high fructose corn syrup – I’m looking at you Congressman Steve King of Iowa; how about we cut that subsidy to pay for your paranoid border wall, didn’t think so – so while you are feasting on these government programs and skipping out on the bill, you are bankrupting your children.
Not that you care about them either. That stereotypical teenage ghetto mother who smokes crack and misses parent-teacher meetings? Sadly, she is all too common in our cities but you can ignore those cities with their unseemly masses of black and brown people. Can you ignore the real America? Because that archetype also thrives in the heartland. We are devolving into a nation of barely literate meth addicts and prison guards. Pass the corn nuts. This is not how the strongest, freest, bravest, and most prosperous nation on the planet should behave.
Away from the pastoral horror that is small town America things aren’t much better. Just look at Detroit. Just look at the miserable clumps of humanity virulently protesting efforts to teach Detroit’s children how to read. Just look at Detroit’s political leaders stealing from their own people while waving the bloody shirt of black pride and spouting separatist rhetoric worthy of Lester Maddox and George Wallace.
Congresswoman Carolyn Cheeks-Kilpatrick, Congressman John Conyers, I’m looking at you both. Your families are a God damned disgrace, not just to the Democratic Party or our common ethnic heritage, but to this nation’s highest ideals that so many, from Crispus Attucks to Pat Tillman, have given their lives to uphold. I’m disgusted and embarrassed by both of you.
What the fuck, people? Seriously, as your President, I am asking what the fuck? It’s an historic first and a deathly serious question because I truly don’t get it.
My fellow Americans, when Benjamin Franklin was asked what the sort of government the Constitution created, he answered: “A republic, if you can keep it.”
So tonight we must consider this: do we wish to keep our republic? At present, the answer seems to be no but I want to appeal to your better angels. I call upon you to demand better, not just from your leaders, but from yourselves. Complicated problems require complicated, nuanced solutions crafted by reasonable, sober-mind people. And a citizenry that doesn’t behave like those idiots on Jersey Shore.
I am here for the next three years, willing to work with friend and political foe for the nation’s betterment but I cannot and will not negotiate with shrill nihilists. It’s one thing when free-market conservatives, in the tradition of the late Milton Friedman, oppose my health care reform plan because of reasoned and nuanced arguments about the role of government. There’s a discussion to be had there, there’s a debate that can inform citizens. But what fresh hell am I supposed to make of bitter and delusional peasants complaining about the government meddling with their Medicare?
I’ve been blunt and caustic tonight because we cannot afford to mince words at this moment. America, as a nation and an idea, endures in spite of many challenges over these last 234 years but we cannot survive our own unwillingness to face down harsh realities with reason and thoughtful solutions.
Thank you for your time and good luck. Because we’re gonna need it. Oh, and Glenn Beck, you’re like Roy Cohn without a law degree. Go to hell you seditious little closet case. (NY Times)
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