Jan
27

If the White House was crazy enough to let Dyspathy craft the State of the Union, it would be this awesome

By

“Democracy is the worship of jackals by jackasses.” – H.L. Mencken



My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight, in this magnificent chamber, for my first State of the Union address. I could tell you a tale about how my life validates the American dream and that, despite our current challenges, the state of the union is strong. Well, I’m not going to waste your time or mine with any of that tripe. The state of our union is miserable and it’s only getting worse.

Last week, Massachusetts elected a Republican Senator for the first time in over 30 years. The reasons for Scott Brown’s victory are numerous. He was a strong candidate who ran a great campaign but I would be remiss if I ignored how voters concerns about health care reform impacted this race. This week in the Senate, an odd coalition of left and right colluded to protect their narrow constituencies and defeat a bipartisan deficit reduction process. As your president, I will not ignore the messages sent from voters and their representatives.

You dumb slobs expect government to forever expand entitlement programs, unfailingly thwart every goat thief with matches in his underpants and visions of 75 virgins in his head, all while subsidizing almost every aspect of our supposedly market economy from airlines to corn fields. You also expect fresh rounds of tax cuts every year. Well, my fellow Americans, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Big government and low taxes are mutually exclusive.

I know you don’t want to hear some fancy-pants, over-educated, big city elitist – and a negro! – telling you hard truths but there it is. If you want to tape a picture of my face to a Curious George doll or spend an unpaid furlough day calling me a “lyin’ African,” have it. Your narrow, bigoted worldview doesn’t change the harsh reality we are all facing. Not for all the tea in China.

This nation is absolutely impossible to govern and will remain so as long as you continue to demand unfunded entitlements while complaining about your tax burden. We are beyond the point of reasonable policy solutions. Forget about health care. It was a rookie mistake to think we could tackle that issue. How can we reach consensus on national health care policy when so many Americans fear vaccines, fluoridated water, and psychiatry while swallowing fictions like homeopathic “medicine” and colonics? It’s ludicrous.

And yet, our medical system eradicates polio, virtually cures cancers that were a death sentence just a few years ago, and (for the right price) can fight AIDS as a manageable disease similar to diabetes. It boggles the mind that we remain unable and unwilling to make this amazing system available to all Americans.

There are reasons. A Republican Party that will oppose anything in a desperate effort to salvage itself from irrelevance. A Senator from Nebraska looking for Medicare pork. A Congressman from Cleveland – who, as Cleveland’s mayor, bankrupted that city – too eager to the make the perfect the enemy of the good. But the problem isn’t just Washington. When people can, with straight faces, call health care reform socialism because it may impact their totally not socialist Medicare and such people are taken seriously then we are morally bankrupt as a nation.

See, and again excuse my elitism here, the world doesn’t work like a $3.95 all-you-can-eat prime rib and shrimp Vegas buffet. While you are feasting on entitlements, defense industry jobs, and government subsidized high fructose corn syrup – I’m looking at you Congressman Steve King of Iowa; how about we cut that subsidy to pay for your paranoid border wall, didn’t think so – so while you are feasting on these government programs and skipping out on the bill, you are bankrupting your children.

Not that you care about them either. That stereotypical teenage ghetto mother who smokes crack and misses parent-teacher meetings? Sadly, she is all too common in our cities but you can ignore those cities with their unseemly masses of black and brown people.  Can you ignore the real America? Because that archetype also thrives in the heartland. We are devolving into a nation of barely literate meth addicts and prison guards. Pass the corn nuts. This is not how the strongest, freest, bravest, and most prosperous nation on the planet should behave.

Away from the pastoral horror that is small town America things aren’t much better. Just look at Detroit. Just look at the miserable clumps of humanity virulently protesting efforts to teach Detroit’s children how to read. Just look at Detroit’s political leaders stealing from their own people while waving the bloody shirt of black pride and spouting separatist rhetoric worthy of Lester Maddox and George Wallace.

Congresswoman Carolyn Cheeks-Kilpatrick, Congressman John Conyers, I’m looking at you both. Your families are a God damned disgrace, not just to the Democratic Party or our common ethnic heritage, but to this nation’s highest ideals that so many, from Crispus Attucks to Pat Tillman, have given their lives to uphold. I’m disgusted and embarrassed by both of you.

What the fuck, people? Seriously, as your President, I am asking what the fuck? It’s an historic first and a deathly serious question because I truly don’t get it.

My fellow Americans, when Benjamin Franklin was asked what the sort of government the Constitution created, he answered: “A republic, if you can keep it.”

So tonight we must consider this: do we wish to keep our republic? At present, the answer seems to be no but I want to appeal to your better angels. I call upon you to demand better, not just from your leaders, but from yourselves. Complicated problems require complicated, nuanced solutions crafted by reasonable, sober-mind people. And a citizenry that doesn’t behave like those idiots on Jersey Shore.

I am here for the next three years, willing to work with friend and political foe for the nation’s betterment but I cannot and will not negotiate with shrill nihilists. It’s one thing when free-market conservatives, in the tradition of the late Milton Friedman, oppose my health care reform plan because of reasoned and nuanced arguments about the role of government. There’s a discussion to be had there, there’s a debate that can inform citizens. But what fresh hell am I supposed to make of bitter and delusional peasants complaining about the government meddling with their Medicare?

I’ve been blunt and caustic tonight because we cannot afford to mince words at this moment. America, as a nation and an idea, endures in spite of many challenges over these last 234 years but we cannot survive our own unwillingness to face down harsh realities with reason and thoughtful solutions.

Thank you for your time and good luck. Because we’re gonna need it. Oh, and Glenn Beck, you’re like Roy Cohn without a law degree. Go to hell you seditious little closet case. (NY Times)

Categories : Jackals & Jackasses

19 Comments

1

Holy goddammit Christmas. I think I love WF even more than truck nutz. Also too.

2

outstanding.

3
Downriver's Friend
January 27th, 2010 at 5:42 pm

Woodward’s T. Friend (WTF) in 2012!!

4

One thing. You need some sort of “hero” to point out during the speech. I nominate Joe the Plumber. You could have him stand up while you hurl insults at the lying prick.

5

Wow, WF, positively what everyone needs to hear, but won’t. Wish Obama could really let it rip and tear everyone a new one who deserves it.

The awful ex-chief executive that was the shrub is allowed to fuck up this country something awful for 8 years, yet Obama isn’t even allowed one year to do anything to fix things. Yes, I totally think that the Republicans deserve Scott Brown–Mr. I show my wang for money, i.e. Playgirl. (Only heard this little tidbit mentioned once on the mainstream “left-leaning” media, btw). Not judging, mind you, but with all their family values bullshit, I wouldn’t think a dude who participated in pornography would be so embraced by them. Hey–maybe he can get free sex therapy written into the healthcare overhaul for everyone!

I think Obama and the rest of the Dems should shove it up, way, way up the Republicans asses and break it off in all congressional legislation. Coalitions and reaching across the aisle are overrated and were certainly NEVER a priority in the previous administration. So screw them all.

Good luck and Godspeed to the President. I hope he knows that there are still many of us who are still keeping the faith.

6

Sorry, Julie, but the Dems have had Congress for three years, and a super-majority along with the White House for more than a year — yet they’re been reduced to the political equivalent of squabbling siblings in the back seat of the Family Truckster on the way to Wally World.

As Jon Stewart pointed out last week, they’ve set the bar so low that it’s on the ground, and then proceeded to trip over it. For a political party, it’s terrible at politics. I’m still stunned at how one political party can squander the manifest amounts of goodwill the Dems had a year ago. Just 12 months — poof. And it wasn’t the work of the Cheneys and Becks of the world. The gridlock in Congress isn’t with the listless and rudderless GOP … it’s a fractured Democratic Party — and the American people are getting the sense of the Dems are incapable of governing. Meaning, the GOP benefits not because of anything it’s doing or offering; it’s simply the only other option.

Congress is far more responsible for fucking things up in U.S. history than any president. Blaming Bush or blaming Obama is intellectually lazy. Congress controls the purse strings. Then again, maxing out my Visa and then declaring a spending halt as my new financial plan is a troubling bit of deception that most people would see through. It’s one thing to say you’re going to halt a recession by trying Keynesian spending tactics … it’s quite another to foist a “stimulus” package that’s nothing more than tax breaks and special-interest payoffs on the nation.

Both of these parties should be horse-whipped.

7

So, so, so well done.

8

Someone has her left and right mixed up, even though Scott Brown is in the middle. Both Fox,( including O Reilly, “right leaning” media) and MSNBC, had the Playgirl news flash… more than once. It was all over national news so perhaps just local news didn’t carry the I-show-my-wang-for-money story. George Bush messed things up for 8 years but Obama promised to change that…and he is nothing more than George Bush on steroids with a debt to every union and left wing backer that helped put him where he is. If he hadn’t campaigned on being the one “most likely to reach across the isle” and “Mr. Transparency”, he wouldn’t be in the predicament he is in right now. George Bush’s TARP and big government didn’t work, Obama’s entitlement utopia won’t either. No one is refusing to “skip out on the bill” except for those tax evaders vetted to be a part of this administration time and time and again. And what’s not to love about Glenn Beck?

9

For the record, I’ve been trying for years to get myself featured nekkid in Playgirl, Cosmo and Model Railroader magazine, but without any luck.

10

Wow, Bill, a whole fucking year! If I hear that shit one more time I think I am going to puke–Beck and Rush and all their bullshit makes me ill and it is a flat out lie. I will agree with you on Congress’ inability to get things done to a certain extent for the last year, but a good deal of this is from the “intellectually lazy” Republicans who sit on their asses and block everything rather than come up with any workable solutions. Why should they when the shrub, its Republican pals, and the banking industry folks have all gotten theirs? And, then they can sit back and say, see one whole year and NOTHING has been done.

Of course the shrub sat back and lied about everything for both terms and that’s how he was able to get shit done. If we lie to the stupid bastards in congress and the American public, they’ll all buy it because they are stupid and gullible and then we can do what we want and make money for ourselves and our friends (like the oil companies and Blackwater). When we throw the national security angle at everything and threaten to investigate people if they don’t go along, then, well, we can get even more shit done, can’t we?

Hope you are watching the President tonight. He just chastised his own party for not getting stuff done.

Peace be with you.

11

Oh, Bill, EEEWW!

12

Bill is 100% spot on that Congressional Democrats have failed to deliver for a President who carried them to their largest majorities since the LBJ landslide. Yeah Bush was a dumptruck of FAIL! but at some point Congressional Democrats have to step up to the challenge of governing. They have the ball now, with good field position, and they need to convert some first downs.

13

With a supermajority and Rahm E. as your ball-busting political fixer, the Dems didn’t need a single GOP vote and didn’t have to worry about filibuster. But they fiddle-fucked that away in record time.

Ideology and ideas aside, America doesn’t tolerate what it perceives to be bumbling losers in politics — and that’s how Congressional Dems are coming across.

Noble ideas don’t mean shit if you don’t have the political ability to get them done. Voters — who may be mouth-breathing, Jersey Shore-watching addled proles — understand that on a primordial, basic brain-stem function level. And they react by voting them out of office when the fuck up this bad politically.

And people of all political stripes are getting sick of hearing about Bush. Obama and the Dems signed onto the Wall Street bailouts — even if they then took a page of our Josef Goebbels playbook and immediately demonized the “fat cats” — before Bush was out of office. Christ, this isn’t even about ideology anymore because there’s no money left for that … it’s about political ability to get shit done.

The Dems are screwed up … but I also don’t really have any faith the GOP will do any better results-wise.

14

as long as republicans sit around like 3 year olds with their arms crossed pouting.we aren,t getting anywhere. grow up and do what you are getting paid for.

15

Something Democrats need to remember, but never do: Wimps lose elections.

16

Ahh, America…always confusing winning & losing with getting things done.

17

That seals it, WF. You’re now my official write in candidate for any office. I didn’t watch the SOTU because I thought it would be a better use of my time to go back and watch a clip of that old Marx Brothers routine where Groucho sang, “Whatever it is, I’m against it.” Given the state of politics today, that should really be our national anthem.

18

Didn’t watch the SOTU, will pretend Obama actually said this so that I can pretend American politics isn’t the worst. WF, you keep securing yourself as one of the people I will go to for news because, well, you speak my language. Thanks.

19

this is not only my favorite comment on the state of the union address so far, but the clearest and most emotionally accurate sum-up of the actual, awful state of the union that I’ve read. thank you.

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