If Jennifer Granholm wanted to be honest tonight… (now with a Republican response!)

“Democracy is the worship of jackals by jackasses.” - H.L. Mencken

The 2010 State of the State

My fellow Michiganders, I stand before you tonight for my final State of the State address. Listening to media speculation, it’s clear that I’m expected to lay out a tough, bold agenda; a plan to move Michigan forward and cement my legacy as Michigan’s first female governor. I don’t intend to do that. Instead, I will be completely and brutally honest about my plans for this final year as your governor.

Here’s the thing, I’ve offered up bold policy reforms before but I’ve never had the intestinal fortitude to follow through on those plans. At the slightest hint of opposition, I back down. Instead of transcendent reform, I’ve chipped around the edges and offered up some symbolic policies but little substance.

Three years ago we raised taxes but, because I lack political courage, we didn’t raise taxes enough to make a difference. While a little more of your paycheck goes directly to Lansing, the roads are still crumbling, the cost of higher education continues to rise exponentially, and local communities are forced to cut essential services like public safety and libraries. Still, have you seen those Pure Michigan advertisements? Fantastic.

In a democracy, it’s never easy to make tough decisions that, while in our long-term best interest, can be painful in the short-run. Nor should it be. Substantive reform requires brave leaders willing to put reputations on the line to win buy-in from diverse constituencies, to fight for what’s right. The truth is I’ve had neither the will nor the inclination to be that kind of leader. I know my limits. I’m little more than a reasonably competent administrator with a nice smile and basic understanding of Dale Carnegie.

So here’s the deal, I’m still your governor for another 11 months. It’s kind of like a loveless, sham marriage at this point. We’re staying together for the kids or because we owe too much on our mortgage to make divorce practical. We have an arrangement. We’ll go through the motions and ensure nothing implodes. But let’s not alter the status quo until you can finally dump me for a more qualified governor and I land softly in a lucrative private sector job. We do this and in five years…ah fuck it.


The Republican Response

Good evening. I’m Mike Bishop, majority leader of the Michigan State Senate. Tonight we heard Governor Granholm’s vision for our great state. I’ve known and worked closely with the governor for seven years and, while I certainly don’t doubt intentions or dedication, it is clear that her big government approach has hurt rather than helped Michigan. An economic recovery requires new thinking. That’s why I’m pleased to announce the Republican’s comprehensive plan to revitalize Michigan.

Business is shackled by needless regulations and punitive taxation. Tonight we call on the governor to support out plan to repeal these burdensome taxes and regulations. All it takes is political will.

Under the Republican plan, the State of Michigan will file for Chapter 7 bankruptcy liquidation within 30 days. This unprecedented step will not only ensure that everyone can receive a 100% tax cut in 2011 but we will also provides citizens with a special one-time stimulus tax refund after we wind down operations and sell off assets.

While you have played by the rules, worked hard, and paid taxes, the government has hoarded vast amounts of wealth in roads, real estate, heavy machinery, and other assets. This wealth belongs, not to the government, but to hardworking everyday citizens like you and your neighbors. Regular moms and dads. Following liquidation, it will be returned to you. Not in the form of worthless paper fiat currency from the Obama-controlled Federal Reserve but in honest-to-goodness gold bricks.

The Republican Party is committed to a prosperous, innovative Michigan fueled by a tax-free, government-free society. Once state government is liquidated, we can leverage private sector talent to operate our transportation infrastructure, maintain the public safety, and educate our children.

Already, the Palmer College of Chiropractic has expressed interest in our public medical schools. Not only can they run these important institutions with greater efficiency but, with the chiropractic discipline, your children in medical school won’t be exposed to anti-family ideas like evolution, stem cell therapy, or the germ theory.

I know some naysayers out who say this approach is too radical or untested. But, my fellow citizens, I ask you this: Can we afford more failed tax-and-spend policies? Plainly the answer is no. Thank you and good night. (LSJ)