Monica dines and dashes, Christine Beatty quits on Detroit, and the rape of our Greektown jewels

Monica Conyers: petty thief
When Diane Bukowski was busy defending Monica Conyers, her ally in the ongoing class war to defend Detroit’s precious jewels from the running dogs of suburbanism was fucking over the actual working class every time she had lunch. Monica thinks paying the bill is for the little people and not the wife of the House Judiciary Committee Chairman. So basically the waitrons at Mosaic had to pay Monica’s bill out their pockets. Awesome. Jim Papas didn’t mind so much because John Conyers flip-flopped on that toxic well thing. A fact wholly unrelated to the Papas-Monica-Riddle business three-way. (Freep)

The Detroit Diaspora grows
We’re losing two of our town’s brightest political lights. Adolph Mongo is moving to Washington DC because convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick ruined everything. Don’t worry because Mongo isn’t dumping his Detroit clients so Matty Moroun will be just fine. Christine Beatty is heading to Atlanta. Do you know what the fuck she’s going to do? Become a consultant! By the way, for just $175 an hour (plus expenses) you or your business can retain the Dyspathy Management Consultant Group. It’s really nice work if you can get it. (Freep, DetNews)

How is this possible without a dominatrix?
Hypothetical, what if terrorists planted a nuclear bomb somewhere in America? Not New York or LA but real America. And let’s say the only one with the details of the attack is the man-panties bomber? Thanks to Barack Obama’s American hating communism, we can’t beat the information out the manty bomber. Turns out that an idiot who failed at blowing up his crotch (or even light a match) is a huge pussy in the interrogation room. Even if pain freak Candice Miller doesn’t personally waterboard him. (DetNews)

Homeless perverts live the life of Riley
Oh these activists judge! If you’re a convicted pervert (8-year-old girls, Dude) they make you register with the police to make it harder for you to do gross things with children, animals, and farm implements. But there’s a loophole. Homeless perverts are unable to register their “domicile or residence” because it’s a cardboard box near the railroad tracks. Stupid judges pointing out the failings of our state legislature. Why won’t they think of the children? (MLive)

Competent businesspeople to run Greektown Casino
Detroit is losing its precious jewels. The local investors in the bankrupt Greektown Casino are out. So not fair. Just because they invested in a bankrupt business is no reason these brave, brave citizens should lose their money. Why didn’t anyone explain that investments come with risks? This casino thing was supposed to be a can’t miss. Just like blackjack. We’ve got a system and we can totally beat the house. Really. If it doesn’t work then we’ll complain to City Council. Onward gaming soldiers…marching as to wager. (DetNews)

Tigers lift Detroit in Justin Verlander
Fuck yeah. The Tigers signed their best pitcher since Jack Morris to a five-year contract. The real question now is who makes it to Cooperstown first? Verlander or Morris. Hats off to those of you who invested in a Verlander jersey instead of Granderson. If you have an Inge shirt, just leave this blog right now. (Freep)