America needs you Candice Miller, the ACLU doesn’t care about the rights of impound lots, and stormtroopers in LansingBy
Where are Candice Miller’s sensible shoes of justice when we need them?
A crazed terrorist flew an airplane into a federal building in Texas yesterday. All because he didn’t like federal taxes that support our troops. Why does this crazy man hate our troops? God knows what he must’ve said about Alaska’s most precious jewel, Trig Palin? We’ll never know because, like other morons who fly planes into buildings, he’s dead. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have actionable intelligence necessary to thwart a mythical ticking time bomb. No time to Mirandize this corpse, send pain freak Candice Miller to Texas. She’ll kick his bloated remains in its charred balls (with her sensible shoes) until he talks. (Freep)
Radical ACLU liberals attack police
Real Americans support their local police. They’re the real heroes! Sadly the communist/Muslim/fascist/anarchists at the American Civil Liberties Union just sue the police because they, allegedly, wrongly impounded cars from that CAID party thing like two years ago. Look you ACLU bastards, the police don’t know whether illegally served art aficionados will take their cars, some parked several blocks away at private residences, to get hookers and blow. Or do a mafia hit. We don’t know and we can’t take that chance. (DetNews)
Seriously, don’t get raped in Detroit
Two weeks ago, we warned you about this. We told you that, if you were raped in Detroit, your rape kit will sit on a lab shelf for several decades. We know it’s actually worse than that. See, they had to close the Detroit crime lab because it was run like a roach-infested Waffle House. So the state processes Detroit’s evidence. Now they have a backlog. Your rape kits are gumming up the works. Help Michigan. Don’t get raped. In Detroit. (DetNews)
Is Rick Snyder hooking up with Ruth Fisher?
Nate, David, and Claire might not like it, but a Rick Snyder-Rush Fisher romance would explain why he shoots campaign ads in the Fisher & Diaz Funeral Home. Look, we get it. You’re a nerd. You like old lady furniture and, not only have you never been to an IKEA, but you’re afraid to use an Allen wrench. Blisters! Here’s the thing, Rick, you’re a rich nerd. That means you can (and have) hired people to do things for you, like dress a set. It’s called delegating. Hells bells, did you design the cow boxes at Gateway too? Oh yeah, go vote for an ad on his website. (Freep)
Lansing Nazis, I hate Lansing Nazis
Some crazy group of sexless right-wing Spartans, too weird for the College Republicans or Young Americans for Freedom, started their own group called the Sons of Liberty. Probably because they remembered the actual (fictionalized) Sons of Liberty from that book, Johnny Tremain. Then, in order to live up to the “All men are created equal” ideals of the American Revolution, they invited this English Holocaust denier/Oswald Mosley wannabe to speak on campus. Protests were planned and this cockney Nazi decided to stay in his bunker. The end. (Michigan Messenger)
Be grateful April is only 30 days
Who doesn’t like Opening Day? Or Red Wings playoffs? And the NFL draft? Good times. Yeah, April used to be a great month for Detroit sports fans. Used to be, until Fox Sports Detroit saturated the airwaves last year with those gross April in the D commercials. They’re doing it again. And you can vote for which wretched song will be burned into your brain this spring. Why does winter have to end? (MLive)
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