May
21

REALLY BAD LAWYERS, COBO HYPERBOLE, THE INVISIBLE HAND OF SEXISM, AND LOCAL DAD SHOWS HE MEANS BUSINESS

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Legal eagles face an ethics hearing
Lawyers for the City of Detroit worked out a settlement deal with Gary Brown’s attorneys that benefited, not their client the City of Detroit but, convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick. The negotiation involved a ham-fisted series of envelope hand-offs in parking lots, threats not quite made, and promises sort of agreed to. The world hasn’t seen lawyering this absurd since Roy Cohn made out with Joe McCarthy in an effort to expose fictional communists. Like Tailgunner Joe’s boyfriend, the city’s lawyers (and Mike Stefani) will face ethics charges, you know, for completely ignoring the best interests of their actual client. I wonder if John Johnson ever made out with Kwame Kilpatrick? Probably. (Freep)

New Cobo bill includes awful ultimatum
Detroit politicians will never waste an opportunity for hyperbole just to make good public policy. Awful legislators in Lansing have a bill that will force Detroit (with a gun to its head)to accept a bunch of money, expand Cobo Hall, and keep the North American International Auto Show in Detroit. If Detroit doesn’t accept this pact with the devil, then Lansing will pull the trigger on said gun at Detroit’s head spend the money to expand the convention hall in Novi so the NAIAS doesn’t move out-of-state. What horrible monsters. Detroit will not abide an ultimatum. By God, sir, we will not abide an ultimatum. Cobo Hall may be a crumbling, obsolete dump of a convention center but, by gummit, it’s our crumbling, obsolete dump of a convention center. And no fancy Lansing city slickers are going to tell us what to do with it. (Freep, DetNews)

Carl Levin, John Engler want us all to die of terrorism
Levin and Engler hope to bring dangerous terrorists, many of whom haven’t actually been accused of plotting any terrorism, from the American sadism capital known as Guantánamo Bay to Michigan so Michigan can get all that federal jail money. That’s how poors we are. Michigan’s most prominent politicians in a generation think we need to store al-Qaeda suspects in Michigan, not as part of an effort to protect our national security while upholding the dignity of the U.S. Constitution, but for the money. Do you have to join the union before you can become a waterboarder? What about the guy who flushes the Qur’an down toilets, what does that pay? (Michigan Messenger)

Evil sexist market forces crush woman’s dreams
Sally Russell was just a regular gal with a dream…to build a giant house in Oakland County and sell it for several million dollars. She was going to show all those “men” who said she couldn’t do it. She got the 22,000 square foot house built (after buying a $2,000,000 home and then demolishing it for the land) but this chauvinist construct known as “supply and demand” deliberately thwarted her plan to sell the it for $14,750,000. This makes famed feminist icon Laura Berman sad because if a wealthy woman can’t dump millions of dollars into a high risk development project at the peak of an economic cycle and still turn a profit during the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression…what hope is there for the girls in the secretarial pool? (DetNews)

Best City Hall Insider ever
Joel Kurth walks us down the Monica Conyers memory lane of crazy and even works in a Snuggie reference. It’s the blanket with sleeves! Hard to believe Monica was only City Council President for eight months because it seems like so much longer. Kurth’s piece reads like a Time-Life music infomercial. You’ll get all your favorite Monica moments like: paying off a wrongly fired staffer and getting the po-lice to drive her kid to suburban school. If you order now, we’ll also include a special Monica Insults Her Colleagues bonus disc with such favorites as Monica tells Shelia Cockrel to get laid and Monica calls Kwame Kenyatta stupid and says he has cancer. If you went to regular politicians for this much crazy, you’d spend years putting a collection like this together. But with Monica, you got it all in just eight months! (DetNews)

This is why they don’t serve beer at youth sports
Some under-endowed douchebag in Royal Oak, unhappy with his own life’s shortcomings, decided he to live vicariously through his seven-year-old son. That’s what unemployed manufactures’ reps do, especially after the Hummer H2 is repoed and they discover COBRA doesn’t pay for Cialis. Unfortunately the kid, again age seven, hasn’t yet developed into the next Pele. Probably because he isn’t trying hard enough. Lazy effing kid. So his dad decided to “motivate” the kid by punching him in the stomach so hard that the poor kid threw up. At a youth soccer game. Just like the Bobby Knight Guide To Fatherhood suggests. The police were called and the dad was like: What? You’re telling me how to raise my kid? He’s got to learn to respect the game. (Daily Tribune)

Categories : State of the State

3 Comments

1

A correction: the best blanket with sleeves is not the Snuggie, but the Slanket…

2

Can i take a one small picture from your site?
Have a nice day

3
Woodwards Friend
May 23rd, 2009 at 6:14 pm

Sure Charlie. Just let folks know where you found it.

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