May
25

AGAINST THE ENVY OF LESS HAPPIER LANDS – THIS BLESSED PLOT, THIS EARTH, THIS REALM, THIS EAST SIDE OF DETROIT

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Oh, how one longs to return to the English countryside! Arriving at the meet at dawn, in one’s club colors, with five couple of hounds for the days hunt. Foxes are, truly, the sport of the Gods. Though, if one prefers a more solitary challenge then one can always try a bit of fly fishing. The thrill of a trout rising to the bait of your #22 Cahill fly, expertly tied by your man Humphrey, is unmatched. That fish will use every ounce of energy to defeat the fisherman, armed only will a seven-foot three-weight bamboo rod, but a crafty fisherman will ultimately prevail in this gentlemanly struggle against one of the noblest of English creatures.

Once the day’s sporting is complete, one retires to the public house or tavern for a pint (or six) and some steamed meat. Then one takes the barmaid or some other common trollop into the back room for a little bendy flex. No matter about one’s wife. A proper lady of society does not wish her vagina aggravated except to conceive a legitimate male heir. Or if the stableman is especially endowed. Besides she has her cucumber and mayonnaise sandwiches to keep her busy. Goodness, it’s almost time for elevenses.

Soon one will no longer need to venture across the Atlantic to enjoy these quaint English traditions. They will be available in Detroit. Nothing says refined country mores quite like Detroit’s abandoned, crime-ridden, and toxic east side. The hearty aroma of incinerated waste will make any man thank God for having been made a Detroiter. At least according to some nit-wit hired by the American Institute of Architects to study the subject for no good reason. This nonsense made the Free Press’ front page screen on Friday, again proving that the internet pamphlets formerly known as “newspapers” are devolving into little more than sounding boards for Detroit’s mindless booster class.

This English countryside on the east side is a truly splendid idea. Many a downtown executive will no doubt take advantage of the area’s soon-to-be-burgeoning hunt clubs on their way home to 28 Mile…you know where there used to be honest-to-goodness countryside. No reason to consider Detroit’s land use problem as a regional issue that requires a seven-county solution with smart growth, green belts, and the like. That would be silly!

Also the agriculture that arises from the east side’s toxic soil will feed our poors! How the orphans will enjoy corn grown on old gas station lots and tomatoes sprouting on former industrial sites. What English countryside would be complete without a healthy dose of noblesse oblige. Do you think English Noblemen where skinny blue jeans and ironically large plastic eyeglasses with their tweeds? (Freep)

Categories : Big Important News

2 Comments

1

This attempt at humor was shoddy at best. It is apparent this blogger has preconceived notions on this issue, and is not unbiased.

2
Woodwards Friend
May 28th, 2009 at 8:12 am

Not unbiased? Oh deary me, what an awful slander of my good name. You do realize that all opinion is, by definition, “not unbiased.”

So DetroitDan, what you are saying is that you would support efforts that would speed the ruralification of Detroit without any changes to the regional land use issues that have unnecessarily gobbled up so much of southeast Michigan’s actual countryside and effectively depopulated the central city?

Or maybe what you are actually saying is that, while Detroit is fun times now, when you have a family you’ll need a David Pulte building houses at 34 Mile Road so you can raise your kids as far away from black people as possible.

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