A super-sized helping of Horace Sheffield, Monica totally doesn’t care, and gratuitous obscure sports referencesBy
Worrying about shit that doesn’t matter
Terrible mayoral spokeswoman Karen Dumas and the Right Reverend Horace Sheffield (praised be His name) are angry because superficial tv reporter Chris Hansen did a superficial tv report about Detroit. Detroit is under attack, and it’s ruining our precious jewels. All this plucky little city needs is some positivity. Bad PR is responsible for Detroit’s 50% illiteracy rate, 30% unemployment, and a nine-figure structural budget deficit after the city sold a quarter-billion dollars of bonds. Chris Hansen ruined everything. Or maybe this was all a trap to lure Horace to the Dateline studios. Have a seat, Reverend. (Freep, Freep)
Republican gubernatorial slap fight
If we mash up the candidate’s applause lines from yesterday’s debate, we get a single hyperbolic run-on sentence. Michigan needs a leader and fighter because this election must be about the next generation, and that begins with the people of Michigan who are ready for an era of innovation because, currently, we are not the education state. But we should be. And always twirling, twirling toward freedom. Screw it. Dyspathy will endorse the first candidate to promise free apple pie on Independence Day. (DetNews)
Hope that check clears
The Right Reverend Horace Sheffield (praised be His name) will help convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick pay his restitution. It’s a good thing Kilpatrick likes money orders because Sheffield’s checks sometimes don’t clear. Consider Horace’s donation to Barack Obama’s primary campaign in June 2008, after the primaries ended. According the FEC, the bank returned the check two weeks later. Kilpatrick shouldn’t worry too much. Horace’s multiple donations to skankophile John Edwards’ campaign cleared. The good reverend has a type. (DetNews, FEC)
Monica Conyers is absolutely bonkers
And what does that say about John Conyers’ judgment? The end. (Freep)
The Vanguard-DMC deal is this bad?
Probably, like a lot people, you have questions about Vanguard purchasing the DMC. On one hand, they promise to spend millions upgrading DMC facilities. That’s good. On the other hand, the sale to a for-profit corporation potentially endangers the charity care provided by the currently non-profit DMC. That’s bad. The frogurt is also haunted. This is confusing stuff. Fortunately, Malik Shabazz and the Right Reverend Horace Sheffield (praised be His name) think the DMC sale is totally awesome. So there you go, this deal is worse than anyone thought. (some PDF thing)
Art Garfunkel doppelgänger, Ypsilanti, and medical marijuana
If you’ve ever wondered what happened to the other half of 1960s folk-rock duo Simon and Garfunkel, wonder no more. He and his prodigious white man afro are covering medical marijuana for Annarbor.com under the name “Tom Perkins.” Ypsilanti is close allowing medical marijuana dispensaries. If we can be so bold, these dispensaries should also sell cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies. If you start from Ypsi, instead of Saginaw, you can totally hitchhike to Pittsburgh in just under three days. (Annarbor.com)
Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?
Spring football always fails. Ok, the USFL probably could’ve survived if Donald Trump wasn’t a asshole. But he is, and it didn’t. The only worthwhile spring football event is the NFL draft. It makes for good background tv on a Saturday afternoon. While also providing Mel Kiper with something otherwise unattainable, respectable employment. This year’s first round is tonight instead of Saturday. Not like there’s any real sports on a Thursday night. The Lions might draft legendary Japanese slugger Sadaharu Oh. That last part may not be completely accurate. (MLive)
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