Apr
26

Democrats pine for the Engler years, judges drink Matty Moroun’s tears like lemonade, and Matt Millen surprises no one

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Michigan Dems party like its 1998

A few months ago we basically said that Virg Bernero was a Larry Owen redux. Looks like we’re right, as usual. Just like Owen in ’98, Bernero will probably get his ass handed to him by Geoffrey Fieger. And Andy Dillon is pretty much that other nobody who lost the 1998 gubernatorial primary. It doesn’t matter which Republican candidate ultimately is elected governor because, if the 1998 parallels hold for the Democrats, David Leyton is your new Jennifer Granholm. We look forward to his eventual eight disastrous years as governor. (Freep)

Granholm: Michigan won the race to the bottom
Hey everyone, really good news from our ridiculous governor! Everything will be alright because Michigan hit rock bottom. Like a drunk who wakes up in some disgusting bus station bathroom, hung over, and with no idea where he is or what happened to the last three days. Or why his ass is so sore. The good news is we can admit we have a problem now that we’ve hit rock bottom. Like that proverbial drunk. Can’t wait for the searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. (DetNews)

Evil judiciary crushes American Dream
On Friday the Michigan Court of Appeals officially killed our nation’s innocence, and any hope for a better tomorrow. This dastardly socialist cabal of over-educated elitist “judges” refused to block the Circuit Court’s unconscionable ruling that C. Montgomery “Matty” Moroun’s Bridge Company must obey the terms of their agreement with M-DOT. And that’s how the American Dream died. Quietly, without fanfare, in a Lansing courtroom. Weep for our grandchildren, not yet born, for they will never taste the sweet air of liberty. At least that’s what some ridiculous wife of a billionaire thinks. (MLive)

Matt Millen still an asshole
The dumbest person in football, Matt Millen, was on ESPN this weekend to discuss the draft. That’s good because competent NFL general managers can listen to Millen, and then do the exact opposite of what he suggests. Millen also called Ron Jaworski a polack. Still not Millen’s worst draft. He didn’t burn a first round pick on Mike Williams this year. He did sort of apologize. Not for drafting Mike Williams, but for saying polack, a term some Polish-Americans may “misconstrue” (Millen’s word) as offensive. Those dumb polacks are always misconstruing shit. Eat a dick and die, Millen. (DetNews)

Terrible radio show lifts Detroit in Faygo, false nostalgia, and Avalon scones
You know what’s awful? Detroit’s $400,000,000 structural budget deficit, a 50% illiteracy rate, a 30% unemployment rate, and fifty-year of neglecting public transportation? Those things are bad, sure, but what’s really awful is people saying mean things about Detroit. Like mentioning the $400,000,000 structural budget deficit. Instead, we should natter on about Better Made potato chips and Comerica Park. Also, the people. Who are wonderful. That’s how terrible public radio chat show The Takeaway plans to ride the Detroit meme bandwagon. Cheap populism is a great way to move tote bags and coffee mugs. (The Takeaway, Motorless City)

Mitch Albom discovers this new thing, fighting

Mitch was cruising the AOL recently, and stumbled on these videos of kids fighting. For no good reason! In Mitch’s day, kids only had fights for really good, spiritually validating reasons. And nobody videotaped the fisticuffs back then. Videotaping fights is vulgar and wrong. These kids today are not only taping their meaningless fights, but they’re fighting in bathrooms. That’s a clear violation of the Marquess of Queensberry rules. Once again, humanity has let down Mitch Albom. (Freep)

Categories : State of the State

18 Comments

1
Camille Desmoulins
April 26th, 2010 at 8:14 am

Mitch only bared his dukes when some dirty rat played foul at stickball, or maybe said some funny business about President Roosevelt. Then they all made up and collected scrap metal for the war bond drive, shared the latest Archie & Jughead comic and life was good again. Save the fighting for the Japs! Wait … Mitch was a kid in the late 1960s … never mind. Back to your cornball, delusional fantasy history that never happened, kids! Mitch Albom: Print journalism’s own Ron Burgundy.

2
Downriver's Friend
April 26th, 2010 at 8:27 am

This calls for a Hitler rant against Chris Hansen!

3
Downriver's Friend
April 26th, 2010 at 8:42 am

You gotta admit…Better Made chips ARE good…

4

I dunno…Matt Millen has survived, nay, thrived quite profitably and publicly sodomizing male appendages. (I’m taking your direction of Millen as an attempt at a dismissive instead of a normal life cycle)

I really think that Mitch finds his outrage while surfing for his own particular flavor of p0rn…Like his recent Parade magazine article where he railed for ‘fans’ to ‘attend’ an actual ‘major league’ ‘baseball game’ instead of ‘sitting’ at ‘home’ ‘playing’ ‘fantasy league’…

5

Better Made “Rainbow Chips.” An entire bag of burnt chips. Awesomeness. Not awesome? Matt Effin Millen. What a dick.

6

I freaking hate it when people say that what they like about where they live is “the people.” Because I’ve lived all over the country, and I’m going to tell you – people in general are pretty nice. And, people everywhere claim that what makes their region great is “the people.” I mean, does anyone really think that the people in Michigan are super nice, but in Wisconsin, they’ll break into your house, steal your china and kick your puppy? Really?

7

I don’t know Karen, did Russell Ziskey get the shit kicked out of him in Wisconsin?

8

Look who showed up on the Takeaway comments:

Sue Steinhauer from Detroit

Quite simply, I am a middle aged white lady. I grew up in Detroit and am still a home owner and resident. The people in Detroit are amazing. Everyone (including the seriously down and out) have great stories to tell.

I live in a fantastic neighborhood (EEV) but plan on moving to a neighborhood that is challenged. A close dear friend died and left us a 101 year old home. It needs a little TLC and can’t wait to move there.

We have been involved in many non profit efforts to restore the city. In fact, I am a founding member of a Detroit based historical org.

Warts, pimples and all that, Detroit and Detroiters are an amazing bunch of folk.

9

East English Village is not challenged? Have she driven down a street not named Outer Drive lately?

10

@that guy: Did she ever kick Mister’s relatives out that house?

11

Every time you destroy Mitch Albom, a fairy somewhere dies.

12

I kinda *don’t* like “the people.”

13

People who need people are the luckiest people in the world. It’s true.

14

It took Mitch Albom this long to discover kids-fighting-in-bathrooms videos online, or it just took Mitch Albom this long to tell us Mitch Albom’s been licking his monitor all these years in order to satistfy his pede urges?

Videotaping these fights is wrong, says Mitch Albom? That poor, poor manboy. Is it possible Mitch Albom could be longing for the good ol’ days when Mitch Albom could just show up in a trench coat at the park and take in the sight of spring in bloom? Perhaps for Mitch Albom, boys for him just don’t smell as good on screen when they’re fighting as they do when they’re fighting in person?

With Michael Jackson gone, I guess Mitch Albom just thought that someone else should step in and keep that candle burning, and that that someone should be he.

So tell us, Mitch Albom: Is it “Wrestling boys is enjoyable” or “Wrestling boys are enjoyable”? That question could have went through your manboy head many times before you finally deleted it from your column, no?

15

I had no idea that celeste headlee was that hot. I always figured she had a face for radio. She could totally play a junior prosecutor on law & order.

16

Meh. I think the photos were airbrushed like Lucille Bluth’s driver’s license.

17

My Eastside kids laughed all day about the shock of the suburban wanna-be’s “10 seconds.” The Eastside boys, and more girls than you’d imagine, do “30 seconds” and have all year. I hope Mitch doesn’t hear about this as it might kill him outright. As you know, Mitch is praying for a lingering death. He’d hate to die without getting another best seller out of it.

18

Poor Matty Moroun. I guess the $24,000-plus that he and his relatives have donated to judges’ campaigns over the years didn’t do him a damned bit of good. I guess he’ll give more to first district appeals court candidates next time. His wallets have overlooked them over the years.

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