Apr
28

Michigan is too cool for trains, we lift Detroit in Chris Hansen, and Carey Torrice fights the man

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Drive your car on I-94, like a man
You know what would suck? A commuter rail between Ann Arbor and Detroit, with a stop at Detroit-Metro Airport. An efficient, reliable way to get to and from the airport, what are we French? Hells no, Wal-Mart Wolverines don’t roll that way. Besides, there’s no money for this “light rail” project even though we’ve already spent several million dollars planning the thing. So suck it, hippie. Actually building the thing requires raising the gas tax. Michigan is the real ‘merica. We won’t raise the gas tax because that would be both French and gay. (DetNews)

Carl Levin’s guide to things that are shitty
This one douchebag at Goldman Sachs sold some shitty mortgage thing to some other douchebag back when no one believed investments on shitty subprime mortgages would ever  turn shitty. 2005 was a simpler time. We know this because Goldman Sachs called the mortgage thing shitty in an email. Carl Levin read the shitty email at a hearing today and asked the shitty douchebag why he was selling shitty shit. His answer, as one might expect, was pretty shitty. Then, Carl Levin said shitty several more times while explaining how disgusting he was with Goldman Sachs’ shittiness. (YouTube)

Chris Hansen has a new name, hero

The Dateline sensation just will not die. People aren’t mad at Chris Hansen anymore. In fact, everyone is grateful because he showed us all that Detroit has problems. Before last week’s report, everyone just assumed things were rosy. Now we know better. And everyone is committed to working in a spirit of cooperation toward fixing this beloved city. Starting with a rally next to the Spirit of Detroit. With Joann Watson. Hopefully, a series of panel discussions will follow. And maybe, a marketing slogan. (Freep)

Dave Bing is your new Slobodan Miloševic

Our great friend, the right Reverend Horace Sheffield (praised be His name), thinks Dave Bing’s plan to shrink Detroit’s physical size is akin to “ethnic cleansing.” That’s not hyperbole because everyone knows the shrinking city plan (that’s only a vague concept at the moment) will involve shoving regular Detroiters into FEMA camps. Glenn Beck warned us. Now Horace is speaking this truth to power. Mencken’s obituary for William Jennings Bryan sums up Horace rather nicely: “…a vulgar and common man, a cad undiluted. He was ignorant, bigoted, self-seeking, blatant and dishonest. His career brought him into contact with the first men of his time; he preferred the company of rustic ignoramuses.” (DetNews)

Freep/News circulation numbers, or what’s killing our olds?
There must have been a flu outbreak in local nursing homes or something because Free Press/News circulation numbers declined at twice the national average. People are still reading the papers’ websites, allowing the Detroit Media Partnership to tap the lucrative acai berry advertising craze, but fewer people read the print version. That’s why we think something must be killing the fish wrap-loving olds. Maybe there’s some goo in those flashy iPads the kids today all use to get the news (and LOLcatz). Probably that iPad goo is interfering with the heart pills. (Crains)

Abed is really proud
Like the guy from The Soup on Community, state Senator and freaking medical doctor Tom George had a successful professional career without first obtaining his bachelor’s degree. Who knew someone could jump to medical school after his junior year in undergrad? Awesome. Dr. George spent a few months in Senor Chang’s classroom, and finally finished his studies. He’ll no longer live in shame because he lacks a college degree. At graduation, Chevy Chase will help George with a zany plot to win the hot blond girl’s affections. Chevy Chase is dead weight on that show. (MLive)

Carey Torrice: free speech hero
Paul Gieleghem is really tired of people being mean and stupid during public comment time at Macomb County Commissioners’ meetings. Really? Gieleghem should know better. He’s been around politics long enough to know the public comment time exists for the rantings of mean and stupid people. If local crazies don’t have their three minutes every month to complain about communist space aliens infiltrating the fire department, they’ll probably go nuts and shoot up a McDonalds. Thankfully our beloved muse Carey Torrice stepped in and was like: free speech, bitches! Go Carey. (Macomb Daily)

Categories : State of the State

7 Comments

1

I’m starting to think the Detroit-Ann Arbor rail needs a rich benefactor. Like, someone from the Ann Arbor area that wants to make a big splash with their cash. Maybe some matching funds from the University’s ridiculous endowment as well. C’mon, Bill Ford Jr. Millen’s gone, the FoMoCo is back on track…..why don’t you get that train running, it is basically a Ford Heritage Tour ride and you know all those folks that commute to the Born from Ann Arbor would love it. Make it happen.

2

… or FoMoCo can just get some green buses with gardens on the roofs of the buses and pool its employees from Ann Arbor to the Glass House. Or electric trolleys made of bamboo shuttling back and forth down M-153. Or some other fancy. Or run an amphibious bus out Hines Drive, rain or shine. I’d pay a pretty penny to cruise Hines Drive in a duck truck.

Horace Sheffield III (pbHN) talks about himself again in the follow-up interview?:

“It’s time for us as citizens to have some pride in what we do and turn the focus off of our character and focus it on changing the quality of life in our city. We as citizens ought not to tolerate people who tarnish our reputation at the expense of their personal gain and greed.” — HSIII, (video, 11:15-11:33)

Horace Sheffield complains that he only gets 80% of what other schools get per pupil for his “school.” If Horace would take the money he blows on plane trips to NYC, on press releases blowing his own horn, on filling his daughter’s campaign treasury, on Riddle’s and Kilpatrick’s defense funds, he would have all the money he needs to educate his students and open businesses in the city.

But do as he says, not as he does, and do it with federal handouts. He complains about Bush program cuts, but if it wasn’t for Bush then so-called faith-based charities everywhere would not have been able to get so easily so much federal dough. He wants the federal money, but he doesn’t care to open taxed businesses that bring tax dollars to the city, so he doesn’t want to pay for more cops on the street, more bus routes, more city services, …

3

Was it not Horace Sheffielld III who, in the wake of a smoking ban, used his living space a smoking room for all smokers which effected his Hansenness & therefore self esteem exclaiming “Look away! I’m hideous!”, sued the tobacco companies, and was made the Marlboro Man?

My memory is sketchy…

4

I don’t know. That whole light rail thing is more of a Shelbyville idea. Provincial buffoons that this whole Dateline idiocy has shown us to be, someone’s got to have something better than mass transit to save us. Maybe, like new sports stadiums, casinos, a parking garage full of Asian restaurants along an otherwise deserted strip of riverfront…

5

But if you raise the gas tax our most subsidized form of transportation will cost users a slightly higher fraction of what it actually costs to build and maintain it! We can’t be expected to pay for the things we use around here, geeze.

Also, I’m in for duck trucks. Those things have done wonders to boost the economy of the Wisconsin Dells. Maybe we can get a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not(tm).

6

… and a Madame Tussaud’s House of Whacks.

7

CAREY TORRICE is COOL!

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