May
29

THE DAN GILBERT-DAVID HALL LEGAL EPIC, CALL ‘EM OUT CAN’T READ A BALANCE SHEET, AND MITCH ALBOM IS A DOUCHE

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God help us if a real crime comes to Birmingham
A couple months ago, Dan Gilbert and David Hall had a slap flight at a Bar Mitzvah. That’s how real men settle their differences. When the altercation became public, they hire the biggest and most expensive lawyers in town. Dan Gilbert is too beautiful for jail. Meanwhile Birmingham’s finest are still investigating the case. Why not? Other than telling teenagers not to loiter on Old Woodward and occasionally responding to reports of suspicious looking black males, there isn’t much else for these guys to do. Birmingham police…this is your big chance. IT’S TIME TO LIVE! (Freep)

God and Judges hate atheists
Back during the Super Bowl when everyone had to clean up because company was coming over, the city threw some money at a few churches to fix up their exteriors. Atheists didn’t like this because they hate Jesus and/or something boring about the separation of church and state. Glenn Beck says these atheists are also Muslims. They hate America as well as Jesus. The courts ruled that the city wasn’t promoting religion with their ‘fix up downtown and quick’ program so everything is cool. And really, isn’t Detroit little more than a third-rate theocracy already? Kwame believed he was anointed by God to lead. Barbara-Rose Collins sings hymns during Council debates. People give a shit about Horace Sheffield. A few dollars to fix up some churches hardly matters. (Freep)

Dave Bing must save Detroit and defeat the Google
When Mayor Bing was inaugurated, Rochelle Riley said he had a couple months to save Detroit. Otherwise he was worse than Hitler. We’re paraphrasing here. Now Microsoft’s spastic and sweaty CEO Steve Ballmer, a Detroit native, wants Bing to defeat the Google. Not Dave Bing, specifically, but Microsoft’s new search engine named Bing. This story is kind of a stretch, we admit, but it’s a good excuse to link to Steve Ballmer’s seizures at corporate pep rallies. DEVELOPERS, DEVELOPERS, DEVELOPERS! (DetNews)

Oh look! They’re discussing Cobo on Mackinac

Dave Bing is up at Mackinac trying to save the Cobo deal that his key advisor Freman Hendrix campaigned against. He can do this because he has “leadership” skills which are the corporate equivalent of bow fighting skills. As of last week, he just needed to convert two more City Council members to have a majority. That means he’s convinced all the City Council members who voted for Cobo last time to do so again. Nice work! Meanwhile, Donald Lobsinger’s Breakthrough Agnes Hitchcock and the Call ‘Em Out Coalition are protesting to protect the Cobo asset. Only in their tiny, warped minds is a $15,000,000 annual operating loss considered an asset. (Freep)

State to invest in mass transit without the masses

Michigan is getting $13,000,000 from the feds to spend on rural transportation projects. Oh hey swell. After all, the state’s major metropolitan areas are doing so well with transit that they might as well put some bus routes out in the sticks. This rural transit upgrade will help leaders from the state’s burgeoning meth industry commute into town from their backwoods shacks to purchase more Benadryl. These purchases will allow the CVS to hire another clerk and that clerk will go spend their new paycheck at other stores, the money will re-circulate, and the economy grows. (MLive)

Mitch Albom bemoans the commercialism of business
Mitch has a sad because the awful people who run tv networks and professional sports leagues only care about money. This coming from the Mickey Spillane of mangina literature. Is there an emotion or sentiment (however false or contrived) that Mitch Albom won’t try to monetize? Apparently, Mitch doesn’t like that the Stanley Cup Finals are starting only two days after the conference finals ended. Pittsburgh is a long ways from Detroit. Why won’t they take travel time into consideration? Jet lag, also. Question for the room: how many columns has Mitch written complaining that the NBA takes too many days off between playoff games? I seem to recall more than one. (Freep)

Categories : State of the State

5 Comments

1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMU0tzLwhbE this is a totally awesome remix of steve ballmer’s developers rant, you should check it out! also laughing at rural mass transportation

2

Holy Crap, WF, I too cannot believe that Birmingham has nothing better to do. Apparently Dan and David don’t have enough class to refrain from bitch slapping each other at some poor kid’s bar mitzvah, either. I’ve got an idea: why don’t they rent out the Palace and they can fight it out at center ring, no holds barred, anything goes; there are lots of people who might pay $2.50 to see such an event, me included. They can then turn around and pay their high priced attorneys and maybe have some money left over for the counseling they so seriously need.

Motz, that Youtube video is scary awesome. I am thinking Mr. Ballmer needs to invent some deodorant for his man rage.

3
Woodwards Friend
May 29th, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Julie, you may have just pitched first Dyspathy event. If Messrs Hall and Gilbert are reading this, drop me a line. We will totally put this (The Brawl In The Boiler Room? APR Altercation?) together. Marquis de Queensbury Rules, naturally.

More Ballmer fun…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGvHNNOLnCk

4

Make fun if you will but I enjoy the character Ballmer plays, Kevin?, on NBC’s The Office.

5

I use Bing and Google whenever i want to find poop on the internet. I think that both search engines are very good. ,

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