May
25

Judge Groner is your new Santa Claus, better weed through chemistry, and breakfasts come and go but Hartford, the Whale…

By


Like a special May Christmas just for Detroit

It’s May 25 and the restitution/probation hearing to the century is set to conclude. Convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick is probably going to jail for lying in court while on probation for lying in court. Kym Worthy wants to send him away for two to five years, and…wait for it…turn over his finances to a receiver. Irony! Kwame cooked Detroit’s books so a receiver wouldn’t mess with the city’s monies. Now some bean counter might tell Carlita to ditch the mcmansion for a midcentury split-level ranch. Merry fucking Christmas, Detroit. You deserve to see Kilpatrick taken away in leg irons, like Ralphie deserved that Red Ryder. Oh, he also chatted with awful middle-aged dj Frankie Darcell Sunday. (Freep, Mix 92.3)

Harsh economic realities force criminals to economize
Back during the go-go days of the housing bubble, criminals were robbing and raping like it was free. Then the banks collapsed and everything changed. Thanks to the credit crunch, your average street thug is way more frugal with his—or her—criminal activities. These days they’re saving the bullets and getaway cars and other implements of anti-social behavior for serious crimes. Like murder. That means a small downturn in petty violent crimes while murders are up by almost 12%. (DetNews)

Synthetic reefer madness
This horrible pretend marijuana, sometimes called knock-off “reefer” or make believe “Mary Jane,” is a scourge upon America’s youth. The kids smoke this fake “weed” and do all kinds of crazy things like listen to jazz, run over pedestrians, and steal virtue from proper girls. That’s why Oakland County wants to ban this “grass”-like substance before local kids jump the jazz listening, virtue stealing bandwagon. Make no mistake; the next tragedy may be that of your daughter’s… or your son’s… or yours, or yours…OR YOURS! (MLive)

Worst political dirty trick ever
That’s saying something because G. Gordon Liddy proposed firebombing the RAND Corporation so he could dress up as a fireman, sneak in, and steal the Pentagon Papers. This is far more stupid. Some idiot (who once gave David Bonior money) tried to get some fake “Tea Party” party on the Michigan ballot. To steal the Jesus votes from the Republicans! Somewhere, Dick Tuck is hanging his head in shame over this half-baked, amateurish, and easily exposed stunt. Hell, even little Don Segretti is embarrassed by this subterfuge fail. (Freep)

Heads up Hartford
Famous Team Kilpatrick sugar daddy Peter Karmanos is looking to sell half of the Carolina Hurricanes. Probably he needs the cash to help Carlita remain in the lifestyle to which she’s accustomed while Kwame is back in jail. Hartford should go all Green Bay and buy stock in the team. Then move them back, dust off the Whalers name, and all will be right with the universe. Seriously, next to Walter O’Malley moving the Dodgers to L.A. and Art Modell stealing the Browns from Cleveland, killing the Hartford Whalers was the biggest dick move in franchise relocation history. (Crains)

Dude, you aren’t a vampire
This fucktard from Royal Oak made an ass of himself in Ohio by claiming he was an immortal vampire who would eat a sheriff deputy’s children. That always endears one to local law enforcement. Let’s break this down. Dumbass crosses state lines—to register for classes at Oberlin—and then pretends to be some mythical creature, probably because he has a John Hinckley thing for Kristen Stewar. Sadly he mixes his horror movie metaphors and makes empty threats about cannibalism? Vampires don’t eat people, moron. They bite them. Maybe werewolves eat people, but at Oberlin? Who ever heard of Presbyterian werewolves? That’s crazy talk. (Oakland Press)

Categories : State of the State

9 Comments

1

It’s probably a good idea that they ban the fake weed. God only knows what’s in the chemical compound that they use in the stuff. It might seem like a harmless high today, but three years from now when your lungs start dissolving from the inside out, you’ll probably wish that you had stuck to the real thing.

And I’m predicting KK gets about 90 days, though if Groner woke up today with a wild hair up his butt, two years isn’t out of the realm of the possible.

2

Well, I guess the wild hair wins. 1.5 to 5 years, with repayment of $876K as a condition of parole. Seeya in 2015, KK.

3

[…] Judge Groner is your new Santa Claus, better weed through chemistry, and breakfasts come and go but … […]

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[…] Judge Groner is your new Santa Claus, better weed through chemistry, and breakfasts come and go but … […]

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[…] Judge Groner is your new Santa Claus, better weed through chemistry, and breakfasts come and go but … […]

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[…] Judge Groner is your new Santa Claus, better weed through chemistry, and breakfasts come and go but … […]

7

Do you think Karmanos is selling part of the Hurricanes so he can buy part of the Pistons, and move them downtown to ArenaArena?

8

I’ve meet Presbyterian werewolves. They were very pleasant, if a little bland. They seemed embarrassed by the whole part-animal thing and held their urges in check with rigid self-discipline. The also kept lovely lawns and were fair to middling golfers.

9

They scramble to ban fake weed, but continue to allow companies to lace our foods with KNOWN toxins like MSG, Aspartame, hormones, nitrites, etc. It’s maddening.

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