With Tiny Orange Shorts Comes Great ResponsibilityBy
In an effort to expand our diverse conversation, we’ve asked “Sally Subterfuge” — a genuine, true-blue Real Michigander from the red counties (who actually reads books other than Sarah Palin’s memoir!) — to provide a unique heartland perspective on all the things we love to mock. We hope you enjoy this wonderful addition to the rich tapestry of Dyspathy voices. – WF
Way to go, Michigan. Is there nothing your ass-backward system of laws cannot fail to fuck up? Because of this lame state’s codified insistence on protecting size 3 lard asses and their “disabilities,” Hooters waitresses will now all be fat forever.
With tiny orange shorts comes great responsibility — or were you, reader, too engorged from shoveling your face full of chicken and ribs, and ogling giant breasted women to notice? Hmm, Fatty McFatgut? Haha, I’m kidding. No, I’m not. But who cares? You probably don’t have a vagina anyways, so just relax?
Thank heavens there are brave people like Hooters waitress Brittnay Richter willing to stand behind her boss during a press conference, look hot, and remind us about the sacred burden of wearing the orange shorts – responsibilities so carelessly disregarded by Cassie Smith and Leanne Convery when they decided to become 5’8 132 lb. heifers. Dippin’ in the stash a little, huh ladies? Well I hope it was tasty because now you’re all fat and fired. Boo. Effing. Hoo. I bet you even failed Hooters Camp where Hooters girls are trained to go on very urgent missions of important responsibility. Shame!!
Where would we be without Hooters’ Chief Marketing Stooge Mike NcNeil reminding us that it matters what a Hooters waitress looks like in Michigan? Granted, Smith and Convery were NOT, I repeat, NOT fired because they were lard-asses or fugly butterfaces, because that would be totally against the law.
It matters that Hooters waitresses remain sticks with back trouble because this is Michigan, where everybody is fat. Skinny people are a curious form of entertainment. If everybody is skinny, then nobody is. Why does Michigan law hate hot girls? When did Lansing go chubby chaser? These are both very important questions. The people demand answers.
Reading this touching reminder from Britt-nAy, my mind instantly turned to other images of historical figures shouldered with great burdens of responsibility and what they would look like in orange Hooters shorts. By the time I was done I was feeling pretty proud of myself until I realized they were all freakin’ dudes. And then I shed a little tear for all the hurdles we have yet to overcome in this oppressive land of deep-fried patriarchy. (The Macomb Daily)
Till next time,
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