Jun
28

John Conyers is a coward, Tom Lewand is a drunk driver, and Dyspathy gets all Marshall McLuhan-y

By

Capital Beltway is John Conyers’ Maginot Line
For people who keep Mike Allen atop their RSS readers, aged coward John Conyers is a swell guy. Even if his delusional sociopath of a wife used his brand name, with his explicit permission and support, to loot Detroit. Conyers shouldn’t have to answer questions about that. And no one should ask those questions, either. At least if they want to attend next year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner. To borrow from DeGaulle’s famous quip about Petain: John Conyers was a great man; he died in 2004. (Freep)

Should Mike Cox even be in this country?
According to a recent profile, Mike Cox’s parents emigrated from Ireland. That’s interesting because America is overrun by illegal Irish immigrants all the time tukin’ r jibs. Did Cox’s parents have green cards? Should Mike Cox be deported? These are meaningless questions because (a) Mike Cox was born in the U.S.; and (b) even if his parents were illegal, Ronald Reagan’s 1986 Immigration Act granted them amnesty. We only raise the issue because Cox’s base would be outraged if a guy named Miguel Cortez ran for office with a similar story. (MLive)

No one cares about Virg Bernero
When Bernero announced his gubernatorial campaign, labor’s elder statesmen sported non-Viagra induced wood for the first time in God knows how many years. Bernero was their new Larry Owen. And they were more right about that then even they knew. Just like Owen, labor darling of the 1990s, no one (outside the seven people who watch Off The Record) actually cares about Virg Bernero. Or the shouty noises he one time made on cable tv. (LSJ)

At least he wasn’t naked
Let’s acknowledge that Tom Lewand’s drunk driving arrest isn’t the worst thing he’s ever done. Fans will remember that hiring Matt Millen was Tom Lewand’s bright idea. And maybe that’s what drove the man to drink. And then drive. Or maybe incompetence and bad behavior is how you stay employed with the Lions. That would explain why the team chose bean-counter Chuck Schmidt and awful coach Wayne Fontes over successful NFL GM Jerry Vanisi back in the early 1990s. (DetNews)

Anecdotal evidence suggests nothing
Intrepid Detroit News reporters went out for lunch, and discovered that business was slightly better at restaurants where Detroit News reporters sometimes eat. Scientific economic assessments are elitist and vaguely French. This “anecdotal evidence” (technically not evidence at all) is a much better way to prove the economy is super awesome. We should use this method always. For instance, if Detroit News reporters write lazy stories suggesting a couple restaurants are indicative of the entire economy then we can assume (based on the anecdotal evidence) that all Detroit News reporters write lazy stories. (DetNews)

Stop embarrassing Mitch Albom
When less than 0.1% of the American population took a personal day to purchase the new iPhone, Mitch Albom was very offended. There are one million and one things I’d rather do, instead of standing in the iPhone line. But none of them include writing a finger-wagging column about people who stand in iPhone lines. It must be tough being Mitch Albom. Every time a few people do something that’s seems eccentric or silly, Mitch sees the end of Western Civilization. It’s not like these people told their boss they were attending a basketball game with Mateen Cleaves so they could hang outside an Apple Store. (Freep)

Categories : State of the State

18 Comments

1
Downriver's Friend
June 28th, 2010 at 7:59 am

Mike Cox, anchor baby.

2
Camille Desmoulins
June 28th, 2010 at 8:17 am

Mitch Albom is offended by consumer trends. And everything else that disturbs his idyllic notion of 1950s America that he didn’t grow up in because he was a teen in the mid-1970s. Just like he hates these uppity colleges for wanting to join the Big Ten and Pac-10. Fielding Yost never would have approved! And you can bet your ass that George Gipp never would have waited in line for a friggin’ iPhone. Now Mitch has to jump in his Hudson Hornet, pick up his swell gang, fire up Ricky Nelson on the A.M. radio and make a bee-line for the sock hop.

3

Virg is more popular out of state than in state. Sort of like Kwame and Jen Jen. I don’t understand blaming John for Monica. Do you blame Mary Waters for Sam losing his shit?

the best thing about the Lions in general is the “At least he wasn’t naked.” I mean, we don’t even laugh at that. We’re all like “whew…no shit…you got that right…”

4

I suppose Mitch pulls the Ford, GM or Chrysler nameplate off of every new vehicle he purchases, too?

5

John gets the blame for Monica because she was elected using his campaign branding. He sent a postcard to Detroit voters promising that his wife was a “fighter”* who would “take back Detroit from those that put self-interest above your interests” as taxpayers and citizens. Without the John Conyers Seal of Approval, she wouldn’t have won in 2005. He has to take responsibility for her damage to Detroit.

* Ok, that part was true.

6

How do you know he wasn’t shaken down for that?

7

Plus, I find it unlikely that John has no knowledge of how the very expensive private school tuition of his children is paid for.

When you’re a congressman, you should be held to higher standards. It doesn’t make a lot of sense that CCK would go down for the sins of Kwame, but not John for the sins of Monica.

Anyways, I don’t need him to go to jail, just quietly retire and quit with the reparations nonsense.

8

From the freep, this is by far the best part of the Lewand story:

“Bob Hallauer is the owner of the Limberlost Fine Food and Spirits, a cozy, up-north-style establishment on the shores of Houghton Lake where people can arrive by car, boat or snowmobile.

It’s popular with locals and visitors, and Hallauer said he believed that Lewand was the victim of overzealous enforcement.

“Come on vacation, leave on probation, that’s what people say about Houghton Lake. The police wait for people to pull out of your parking lot and pounce on them,” said Hallauer, who has owned the restaurant 10 years. “Once something like that happens, people never come back. But what can you expect when you have 72 state, county and local cops all trying to make a living off M-55,” the primary highway through town?”

9

Normally, I’d be sympathetic to the “overzealous enforcement” argument, except:

“After initially refusing to take a breath test for blood alcohol level, Lewand later took the test, registering a .21 and a .20.”

Maybe the zealousness is warranted.

10

pfft. i’m sick of this twice the legal limit BS. heck, i don’t think anyone that reads this blog is below a .08. Ever. I can hear Bill Shea guzzing on the radio right now.

11

Hey, as a point of pride, I make never let my blood alcohol go above .14

12

That was holy water, grandcircus. I’m studying to be a man of the cloth, and I was trying to convert Drew Sharp and convince him to give up his evil ways. I’ll be giving a sermon tonight at Vivio’s. The message will be taken from Paul’s letter to the Inebriates and will focus on the edifying properties of Wild Turkey. I expect all of you degenerates to be there, and I WILL be passing the plate. Don’t get cheap on me.

13

Great, Mr. Shea, just what Detroit needs: Another preachy, shake-down minister

Tho I’d like to hear more Letters to the Inebriates. And I like the sound of “Our Church of the Plastered Lady”.

14

.14 landed me in the Otsego County Clink back in 96

15

Y’know, John Conyers even looks like Bert Lahr’s character!

Moreso if he had a bow in his ha….on top of his head.

http://revolutioninfiction.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/infocowardlylion.jpg
http://www.isoc-ny.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/john_conyers.jpg

16

Don’t be hatin’ because I was smart enough to get on this gravy train. I had a vision and God spoke to me, right after I finished off the Wild Turkey.

I’ll be announcing my candidacy for a variety of local offices shortly. Also, a cable-access show taped in the alley behind The Old Miami. My first guest will be the extremely pissed ghost of Hazen Pingree.

I’ll be legally changing my first name to “Vicar” too.

17
Guinness' Friend
June 29th, 2010 at 1:20 pm

So…can we yell at Mitch Albom when people line up at one of his god-awful book signings?

18

Peter Hoekstra ABSTAINED in the US House vote for extending unemployment benefits. Must be he can afford his house and car on his pittance of a salary.

Remember, come November, vote corporate.

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