Jul
28

Swift Kicks To Your Nether Region: A Very Dyspathy Voter Guide

By

Next Tuesday, Michigan voters will nominate candidates for governor. Dyspathy plans to write-in Reverend David Murray because we want him to be the face of the Great Lakes State. The rest of you have to choose between the seven actual candidates on the ballot. The good news is you literally cannot screw this up. It doesn’t matter who wins the Republican and Democratic primaries, we’re all losers in this one. Please enjoy the following voter guide, provided as a community service. It’s totally like Publius in every way except that it’s not.

Republicans
Mike Bouchard: Hailing from the GOP voter rich Oakland County and teamed with Terri Lynn Land (west Michigan’s favorite daughter in a red blazer) Mike Bouchard looked like an early contender. But things didn’t work out that way. So now he’s teabagging like no one this side of a John Waters film. If Bouchard is elected, he’ll lock up illegal immigrants for taking our jobs in the food processing, landscaping, and custodial industries. Bouchard also supports a Right-to-Work law so real ‘Mericans can pick strawberries and clean toilets without a lot of bureaucratic red tape from the unions. (Bouchard for Governor)

Mike Cox: Michigan Right-to-Life endorsed Mike Cox because Mike Cox will cut every tax ever. That non-sequitur pretty much sums up every Cox for Governor news release in the last couple months. Cox plans to punch health care reform in the junk. Because he’s a Marine. And tough. Very tough. Just ask him. He’ll tell you that he’s tough like Brawndo. Mike Cox has what Michigan craves. Voting for Mike Cox is like voting for a monster truck driven by a vicious shark. The shark is against abortion. And the monster truck cuts taxes. (Mike Cox 2010)

Tom George: In these complex times, it’s hard to know who to trust. Tom George is a man you can trust. His campaign logo is a top hat. Abe Lincoln wore a top hat. You trust Abe Lincoln, right? Then you can trust Tom George. To finish in fifth place. The end. (George for Governor)

Peter Hoekstra: As Governor, Hoekstra will be all about J.O.B.S. The J in J.O.B.S. actually stands for jobs. The other letters stand for Opportunity, Background, and Servant leadership. Servant leadership? To quote Henry Wiggen, I was taught in school that went out when Lincoln was shot. Be wary of anyone from west Michigan spelling out the word job, or any plural derivation thereof. It’s starts with innocent talks about the J-O-B, and next thing you know, you’re at some bizarre pyrotechnic-heavy sales conference. Doing team building exercises with unnaturally enthusiastic uplines. (Hoekstra for Governor)

Rick “Michigan” Snyder: Moderate Republicans are the political equivalent of white heavyweight contenders. They’re exciting until they actually step in the ring. Gerry Cooney, John Anderson, Tommy Morrison, Rick Snyder, etc. You get the idea. Snyder says he’s a nerd. He thinks state legislators lack the cognitive capacity to fling poop at each other. If elected, Snyder will replace these useless “lawmakers” with magic 27-sided dice. And he’ll probably extend the film tax credit to cover renaissance fairs and comic book conventions. (Rick for Michigan)

Democrats
Virg Bernero: America’s angriest mayor is tired of corporations and Wall Street all the time sending our jobs to India. He’s also the most pro-business mayor ever. Thanks to his tireless efforts, there are something like 50,000,000 new jobs in Lansing. Bernero is also the pro-choiciest pro-choice candidate for governor in the history of the universe. The unions love Bernero like Butters loved Kim Kardashian because he isn’t Andy Dillon. Even if you won’t vote Virg, pretend you are when renewing your driver’s license. Otherwise, expect a long stay at the Secretary of State. (Vote Virg)

Andy Dillon: He kind of looks like Alec Baldwin’s character in Glengarry Glen Ross. That’s good because he plans to give public sector unions the whole “coffee is for closers” speech if elected. But Andy Dillon is about more than just policy. He’s a practical businessman who knows to get things done. He has people skills. For instance, as Speaker of the Michigan House, he reached around across the aisle to work with Republican Senate Leader Mike Bishop. Their bipartisan cooperation generated valuable bipartisan cooperation that really improved Michigan’s bipartisan cooperation. (Andy Dillon)

Categories : Citizenship

12 Comments

1

I heard if Bernero is elected women will have to get at least one abortion to “get one under their belt….see what the big deals all about” Also, I think Mr. George would look more like Mr. Peanut in a top hat than Mr. Lincoln.

2

I second the Rev. Reverend Murray write-in campaign. We should share our precious jewels with the entire state. Oh, wait. That was Otis Mathis.

3
Downriver's Friend
July 28th, 2010 at 6:26 pm

New Freep poll shows Bernero clobbering Dillon, with analysis from the pollster with the best name ever, Bernie Porn. Guess we can start calling the GOP nominee Governor-elect next Wednesday morning, because ol’ Virg is gonna make Howard Wolpe look like Atilla the Hun.

4

And I have it on good authority that Bernero has a Napoleon complex. I’m afraid he’s going to move the capital to its original proposed city of Copper Harbor.

On the other hand, maybe that’s a good thing…

5
Camille Desmoulins
July 28th, 2010 at 10:48 pm

I’m writing in Hazen Pingree.

6

I’m just waiting for Andy Dillon to see the oil spill on the Kalamazoo River as a golden opportunity to tell everyone in Michigan that he’s the only candidate who is not beholden to Moroun. Wake up, Andy Dillon: If you don’t make hay while the sun shines, you’re f*cked in the primary next Tuesday. Take advantage of this oil spill, or be an idiot. Why isn’t the media uncovering the real story behind the oil spill? Because the media are idiots. Again, idiots, the name of the company is Enbridge and its Michigan offices are located in the same suite as …

I hope Andy and his campaign staff enjoy Googling “Andy Dillon.” Find out in which suite of which office building Enbridge Energy is located in Michigan and find out what other corporate entities are located there, too, and you’ll have a chance of winning the primary before the weekend’s over. Enbridge’s address can be found at the state DELEG website. Go find it. I’d tell it straight, but I’m not on your payroll. You can thank us later.

I’ll just type your name five times — Andy Dillon, Andy Dillon, Andy Dillon, Andy Dillon, Andy Dillon — to help you find this morsel and so that you can get your Southwest Michigan voters out to the polls and voting for you. They, Michigan Republicans and Democrats and Independents, are as tired of oil spills as I am.

Oh, by the way, Andy: I’m thinking of writing in Reverend Murray for governor, too, much in the way that that guy from the Free Press who reported on the text message scandal is thinking that there wasn’t a ho party at the Manoogian. So don’t think you can count on my vote in the primary.

7

i’m writing in james strang, king of beaver island.

8

And, people, Bernero is going to totally be our Blagojevich if he wins. I just have a feeling. But he would certainly make for good entertainment on this site. As would Mike Cox when he gets Marc Sanforded or Eliot Spitzered, and you know, certainly, that Mike Cox will Marc Sanforded or Eliot Spitzered.

Lawd hep us all here if we end up with two dullards on the November ballad running against each other for governor who couldn’t do anything scandalous if they tried.

9

Forget Reverend Murray. I’m with glenn beck. I’m totally gay for the Beaver Island king.
Thanks for reminding me, Glenn.

10

When Pingree ckecked out in England he was actually on his way back to town to run for office. It has taken some time, but he IS back! I’ll join his street team. Best dead guy ever, FTW!

http://www.justseeds.org/blog/images/hazen_pingree2.jpg

11
Downriver's Friend
July 29th, 2010 at 7:47 am

Enbridge’s board of directors includes one Jim Blanchard. As in GOVERNOR Jim Blanchard.

12

In honor of this guide and WF’s soft spot for Warren O…sorry…ehem..

In honor of this guide and WF’s soft spot for Oates of GNO…

….I (wish I could) present These Parties Just Took A Turn for the Douche!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDCPK4MiolQ

(WW/NSFW due to language…none of you are at work, right?)

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