Swift Kicks To Your Nether Region: A Very Dyspathy Voter GuideBy
Next Tuesday, Michigan voters will nominate candidates for governor. Dyspathy plans to write-in Reverend David Murray because we want him to be the face of the Great Lakes State. The rest of you have to choose between the seven actual candidates on the ballot. The good news is you literally cannot screw this up. It doesn’t matter who wins the Republican and Democratic primaries, we’re all losers in this one. Please enjoy the following voter guide, provided as a community service. It’s totally like Publius in every way except that it’s not.
Mike Bouchard: Hailing from the GOP voter rich Oakland County and teamed with Terri Lynn Land (west Michigan’s favorite daughter in a red blazer) Mike Bouchard looked like an early contender. But things didn’t work out that way. So now he’s teabagging like no one this side of a John Waters film. If Bouchard is elected, he’ll lock up illegal immigrants for taking our jobs in the food processing, landscaping, and custodial industries. Bouchard also supports a Right-to-Work law so real ‘Mericans can pick strawberries and clean toilets without a lot of bureaucratic red tape from the unions. (Bouchard for Governor)
Mike Cox: Michigan Right-to-Life endorsed Mike Cox because Mike Cox will cut every tax ever. That non-sequitur pretty much sums up every Cox for Governor news release in the last couple months. Cox plans to punch health care reform in the junk. Because he’s a Marine. And tough. Very tough. Just ask him. He’ll tell you that he’s tough like Brawndo. Mike Cox has what Michigan craves. Voting for Mike Cox is like voting for a monster truck driven by a vicious shark. The shark is against abortion. And the monster truck cuts taxes. (Mike Cox 2010)
Tom George: In these complex times, it’s hard to know who to trust. Tom George is a man you can trust. His campaign logo is a top hat. Abe Lincoln wore a top hat. You trust Abe Lincoln, right? Then you can trust Tom George. To finish in fifth place. The end. (George for Governor)
Peter Hoekstra: As Governor, Hoekstra will be all about J.O.B.S. The J in J.O.B.S. actually stands for jobs. The other letters stand for Opportunity, Background, and Servant leadership. Servant leadership? To quote Henry Wiggen, I was taught in school that went out when Lincoln was shot. Be wary of anyone from west Michigan spelling out the word job, or any plural derivation thereof. It’s starts with innocent talks about the J-O-B, and next thing you know, you’re at some bizarre pyrotechnic-heavy sales conference. Doing team building exercises with unnaturally enthusiastic uplines. (Hoekstra for Governor)
Rick “Michigan” Snyder: Moderate Republicans are the political equivalent of white heavyweight contenders. They’re exciting until they actually step in the ring. Gerry Cooney, John Anderson, Tommy Morrison, Rick Snyder, etc. You get the idea. Snyder says he’s a nerd. He thinks state legislators lack the cognitive capacity to fling poop at each other. If elected, Snyder will replace these useless “lawmakers” with magic 27-sided dice. And he’ll probably extend the film tax credit to cover renaissance fairs and comic book conventions. (Rick for Michigan)
Virg Bernero: America’s angriest mayor is tired of corporations and Wall Street all the time sending our jobs to India. He’s also the most pro-business mayor ever. Thanks to his tireless efforts, there are something like 50,000,000 new jobs in Lansing. Bernero is also the pro-choiciest pro-choice candidate for governor in the history of the universe. The unions love Bernero like Butters loved Kim Kardashian because he isn’t Andy Dillon. Even if you won’t vote Virg, pretend you are when renewing your driver’s license. Otherwise, expect a long stay at the Secretary of State. (Vote Virg)
Andy Dillon: He kind of looks like Alec Baldwin’s character in Glengarry Glen Ross. That’s good because he plans to give public sector unions the whole “coffee is for closers” speech if elected. But Andy Dillon is about more than just policy. He’s a practical businessman who knows to get things done. He has people skills. For instance, as Speaker of the Michigan House, he reached around across the aisle to work with Republican Senate Leader Mike Bishop. Their bipartisan cooperation generated valuable bipartisan cooperation that really improved Michigan’s bipartisan cooperation. (Andy Dillon)
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