The weekend when the state GOP loses its mind, can’t we just sell the Supreme Court to the Hathaways?, and things to do in Shelby Township when you’re obeseBy
Michigan’s Grand Old Party about to get crazy up in here
Probably you public radio-listening, cage-free organic egg-eating French hippies thought Michigan avoided the tea party crazy because famous nerd Rick “Michigan” Snyder won the Republican nomination. Fools. The teabaggers will probably control the GOP convention this weekend. A teabagger even beat the state GOP chairman in a delegate race. Expect a platform opposing the Burlington Coat Factory mosque (of course), black football jerseys, bicycles, and probably the 14th Amendment. And expect Dyspathy to report on the crazy as it happens all weekend long. Also good luck to probable Attorney General nominee, Generalissimo Pinochet! (MLive)
Don’t voters know Andy Dillon is still pro-life?
A new poll says Snyder leads Lansing Anger Bear Virg Bernero 51%-29%. That margin will shrink once voters learn Rick Snyder is really pro-life. Or really pro-choice, we’re aren’t really sure. Maybe Rick Snyder secretly performs late-term abortions in his basement. When it isn’t used for satanic games of Dungeons and Dragons. Can we take that chance? Or maybe he outsourced all the abortions to China. Once Team Bernero figures it out, they’ll rebound in the polls. Until then, please avoid any suggestion that Bernero is another organized labor man-crush failbot. He’s nothing like Walter Mondale, Larry Owen, or John Edwards. Nothing. (Freep)
Can Robert Young and Elizabeth Weaver just make-out already?
The sexual tension between these two crazy state Supreme Court justices proved too much for our judicial process. Unable to consummate their stormy (but secretly totally into each other) relationship, Weaver dramatically quit the court yesterday. And Jennifer Granholm was allowed to unilaterally pick Weaver’s replacement. She chose some round old guy from Traverse City. All of which proves one thing: judicial elections are Otis Mathis dumb. If the nomination/confirmation process works at federal level, it’s probably good enough for Michigan. (DetNews)
Mike Bouchard didn’t watch Cheech-and-Chong movies
Unlicensed marijuana dispensaries are like the new speakeasies. They’re run by mafia-style criminals with alligators to protect their crops. Seriously. Mike Bouchard says it’s exactly like a Cheech and Chong movie in every way. Except it’s not. Granted, recollection of said films is hazy, but Cheech and Chong just drove around high all the time. They didn’t have alligators or hang around organized crime kingpins. One time they forgot Dave was knocking on the door. Probably Bouchard was confusing Cheech and Chong with Scarface. That’s understandable, assuming you lack even the most basic knowledge of American popular culture. You know who also doesn’t get American culture? Communists. Go back to Moscow Mike (or is it Mikhail) Bouchard. (DetNews)
This is the best free scrapbooking class ever! – Tobias Funke
What could possibly be sadder than 15 people taking a scrapbooking class in a Shelby Township strip mall on a perfectly nice summer afternoon? Well, this. A 300-lbs man was furiously masturbating in the store while this class was taking place. Normally, I’m not one for condemning another person’s sexual eccentricities but getting off to old ladies gluing pieces of paper to other pieces of paper is sick and wrong. Even if this perv had consent to jerk-off in the store, and he didn’t, it would still be an abomination before our Lord and Savior, the Christ Jesus. (Freep)
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