Aug
31

There aren’t any more jibs fer dem to tuk, Warren hearts Rochelle Riley, and 101 ways to re-use a severed human limb

By

Michigan employers have high standards
You people probably still think getting a job is easy. Scrape through high school or get your equivalency, and your old man can get you in at the plant. Look losers, it doesn’t work that way anymore. Because Asians with better math skills will do the same work as you for less money. And they won’t call in “sick” every time they have twelve beers while watching a hockey game on a Tuesday night. You’ll have to try a little harder to land that dream cubicle because there are 8.24 work-seeking Michiganders for every available job. You know how we get full employment? One hour work days. Eight people can fill one job. (MLive)

Thinning out the November ballot
Voting can be hard. All those candidates and proposals and little circles to fill in with a black marker. The good news here is your November ballot won’t be as hard as it could’ve been. Detroit voters won’t have to decide if possession of less than an ounce of marijuana should be legal. Statewide, we won’t have to consider the fake candidates from the fake Tea Party. Next they should replace all those words with pictures of the candidates. Then voting will be like ordering dinner at Applebees. (Freep, DetNews)

Southwest Warren to finally get representation
Rochelle Riley will be excited to learn Warren voters might shrink the City Council in Macomb County’s coolest city from nine to seven members, while electing five of them in districts. That way everyone will in Warren will get their own representative. Hopefully someone will draw an imaginary map dividing up Warren’s precious jewel equally among the districts. Then people will talk about it in churches, on the radio, at birthday parties, and other places no one is plausibly discussing a third-rate newspaper column. (Freep)

Native Americans used every part of the drifter
Human limbs were found near Eastern Market yesterday. Typical Western decadence. When Native Americans (or First Nations Peoples in Canada) killed a drifter (no really, they had drifters with names like Smells Like Wolf Dung) they would use every part. Today non-natives kill for the meaty torso and discard the limbs. How sad. Native Americans understood the limb meat could be rendered down into a stew, and the bones could be fashioned into tools. This wastefulness will be our undoing. America, we can’t keep discarding human limbs on the side of the road like so many bags of fast food. Keep America Beautiful. (DetNews)

John Cherry is your new David Icke
John Cherry knows, man! He knows! And since he isn’t running for governor he’s free to tell the truth about the global conspiracy. He knows about the black helicopters. Sent by the UN on reconnaissance missions so the Bilderberg Group properly deploy the Russian tanks currently housed at Fort Grayling. To take our gold and guns and give it to Lizard People! But pay no attention to Cherry’s Facebook misdirection about Homeland Security exercises. He’s just saying that to trick the Trilaterialists. We got your real message loud and clear, Mr. Lt. Governor. We’ll await further instruction. Either from you, or Alex Jones. (Facebook)

Categories : State of the State

4 Comments

1

Oh man, does unidentified human limbs mean Bones is going to come visit Detroit? Think she and Booth can lift our spirits somehow with their witty banter and sexual tension?

2
smells like wolf dung
August 31st, 2010 at 11:50 am

spare wampum? will work for maize.

3

Rochelle Riley, Mitch Albom….who needs printed blogs taking up space in the newspaper? The newspapers should right-size and get rid of unnecessary ‘columnists.’

4

A “party” ain’t a party if it just has watered down leaves & all wet candidates.

I hope whoever’s responsible for those east side bones gratefully thanked the donor, err, owner for his sacrifice like Chingachgook…

I’m pretty sure it was John Cherry who said, “Anybody who says they don’t like play fighting in the FBI have to be out of their minds.”

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