Oct
04

Dan Gilbert really tried to love Lebron, incarcerated felon Kwame Kilpatrick can’t fit it all in, and Paul W. Smith is your new Bob Saget

By Woodward's Friend

Dan Gilbert isn’t gonna be ignored, Lebron
Lebron James wife should probably invest is a reliable shotgun. Wait, is he married? Maverick Carter then. Or maybe Pat Riley. When Dan Gilbert isn’t slap-fighting with ex-employees at a children’s party or writing angry screeds in comic sans, the local king of reverse mortgages is twattering about people being assholes. Not that you should assume he was talking about Lebron James. Except he obviously was. Obviously, someone has serious problems with separation. Don’t worry, Dan, Tom Walsh will never leave you. (Deadspin)

Douchebags party like it’s 1997
They may have replaced the wide cuffed pants with skintight Ed Hardy t-shirts, but the obnoxious set still love their shitty techno music and ecstasy. Actually you can probably keep the Ed Hardy gear and techno music. Douchebags can live on ecstasy alone. That’s really good news for Michigan because all the X is coming from Canada. Across our borders. Yeah economic activity! You can now see why it’s so important for C. Montgomery “Matty” Moroun to build his second span. (Freep)

Incarcerated felon Kwame Kilpatrick is super busy
Between his regular Facebook and Twitter posts (sample: “In 1996 I entered law school and the Kwame that most people would come to know, publicly, began to show himself”) and his daily hour in the yard, Kilpatrick just hasn’t had time to properly prepare for his case against Skytel. Also, there’s the federal indictment. That’s a serious time suck. So Kilpatrick would like some more time on his Skytel motions. That’s ironic because more time is exactly what Judge Groner gave him at the probation hearing. I’m here all week folks. The 10:30 is completely different from the 7:30 show. (DetNews)

Freep commenters freighted, confused by sex
A straightforward newspaper report about privately-funded study of American sex habits is the kind of thing most people read with passing interest. Fortunately, the people who comment on Freep.com articles aren’t normal. Common, but certainly not normal. Freep commenters are very angry that someone would ask questions about sexy sexual sex things that are NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS! Or how this is all a plot by the gays to ram things down throats. Paging Dr. Freud! Also something about a flood to wipe all you sinful people having sex while Freep commenters are bravely taking cold showers and not having sex in their parents’ basement. (Freep)

25 places more dangerous than Detroit
All you naysayers that are all the time complaining that Detroit should be more like Chicago have obviously never been to the West Lake Street neighborhood. Which is fortunate. Because you will literally die if you spend any amount of time in what is the nation’s most dangerous neighborhood. Which is in Chicago. Not Detroit. It’s only a matter of time now before all the Magnificent Mile businesses shut down and Chicagoans walk away from their million dollar homes to move to the safety and comfort of Detroit. (WalletPop, via MLive)

Paul W. Smith watched Full House like it was The Sopranos
Paul W. bumped into Mary-Kate and/or Ashley Olsen (he wasn’t sure which) in Paris. That was exciting because Full House was his most favoritest show ever. So you can imagine how horrified he was to see that either Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen was smoking. He told her she should really quit. Because smokers don’t realize cigarettes are bad unless some non-smoker tells them. Also, isn’t smoking the Olsen twins’ least objectionable habit? Compared to cocaine and never eating, cigarettes seem almost healthy. (DetNews)


Categories : State of the State

10 Comments

1
Downriver's Friend
October 4th, 2010 at 1:24 pm

According to Gilbert Gottfried, Paul W. Smith raped and killed a girl in 1990.

2

God help the Olsen twins if they were porkers — and not lovely indiscernible elves — and happened across Paul W. Smith. What helpful advice would he have offered then?

3
Downriver's Friend
October 4th, 2010 at 2:47 pm

Olsen twin’s missing douche turns up in Paris. Film at 11.

4

Everyone everywhere should gather up all their old butts, and dump them on Paul W.’s lawn.

5

Hell, who didn’t rape and kill a girl in 1990?

6
Eastside Complainer
October 4th, 2010 at 3:27 pm

I think the MSU basketball team might have…

7

I might have. It’s all a blur. It was the 90’s for Christ’s sake.

8
Oh George, not the livestock.
October 4th, 2010 at 5:30 pm

Like other Freep commenters, I was shocked and disgusted by the article. Then I had to rest for 40 minutes. Then I was shocked and disgusted again.

9

Most people don’t realize that there are a lot of calories in cigarettes.

10

Strike that: I meant carcinogens.