Jun
22

COPS ENJOY A NICE CONCEALED WEAPON, CITY COUNCIL TO MAKE AN EMPTY GESTURE, AND HEY! LET’S NOT KNOCK DOWN THIS TIGER STADIUM THING AFTER ALL

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Local pervert cops like to feel up men
Sgt. Michael Osman and Officer Michael Parish allegedly treated traffic stops like Gordon Jump’s bicycle shop. Several people accuse these two Gropey McGropies of playing with other dudes’ junk to get their rocks off. Naturally, the Freep message board Klavern believes none of it because the cops are white whereas the accusers are the blacks. Besides these guys are cops, which makes them all man. Why would they feel up a bunch of dudes when they could just as easily grope a chick? You know she’d be into too because chicks totally dig guys in uniform. These broads love a cop’s nightstick, if you take my meaning. Oh yeah. High five! (Freep)

Warren Evans’ illegal after hours nightclub up for sale
These damn cop stories. Never again, we will be able to make a right on red in this town. Sheriff Evans, the Detroit Free Press editorial board’s mayoral preference, wants to sell the shitty old restaurant that became a drug-infested illegal nightclub under his ownership. The potential new owner wants to re-open the place as a legal nightclub, level of drug infestation to be determined. That’s cold comfort to the property’s residential neighbors. They have to work in the morning and don’t need a hot-chicks-with-douchebags venue operating in their backyard until 2:00 AM all the God damn time. Nightclubs belong downtown where residential units are several floors up and therefore unlikely to be affected by the inevitable shootings. (DetNews)

City Council pretends to care about ethics and shit
Naturally everyone on City Council is quite outraged by the Synagro scandal. However, this is a crime that happened in the past. It’s time to move forward as a city and as a people. We can’t afford to be sidetracked by malicious prosecutions that dwell in the past. Council must focus on the important work ahead of them if they wish to make Detroit the Dominionist theocracy they know it can be. Instead of expensive trials, which we all know are a form of Monday morning quarterbacking, Council will pass a meaningless anti-pay-to-play resolution and call it a day. (Freep)

Finally closed the barn door, boss, but we can’t find the horses anywhere
First lesson in public relations: don’t hire former TASS News Agency employees. Reporting the Fearless Leader’s death 48 hours after the world figured it out might have worked in Moscow but nowhere else. Almost two weeks after the city started to demolish Tiger Stadium, the ballpark’s advocates issue a long statement explaining why that’s a bad idea. It’s a very interesting read. Academic and completely useless at this point but it is interesting reading nonetheless. Not unlike an old Time magazine at the dentist’s office. Maybe this week, the Tiger Stadium folks can issue a statement explaining why the Devil Rays will beat the Phillies in the 2008 World Series. (WordPress)

Monica is still worried, so pray more God damnit

Poor Monica Conyers has a sad because she might get indicted for selling out her constituents best interests for $6000. Life is so unfairs. Even John Conyers is telling her to shut up. His advice must have been after she chatted noted local homophobe and anti-Muslim bigot Glenn Plummer on his Jesus fest tv hour. Or maybe not. After all, we are learning about his husbandly advice from public comments Monica made to a newspaper reporter. Control your house, John Conyers, and you’ll know how to treat women better. Rumors are usually true. (DetNews)

The Hardy Boys and the mystery of the chotch boaters
Smugglers poise the single greatest threat to our nation’s collective safety. Their delicious drugs and cost effective illegal immigrant laborers strike a blow against everything that is good and decent about this wondrous republic. As anyone who was ever a male between the ages of 9 and 13 knows, only the Hardy Boys can stop smugglers. So why are we wasting our time letting this “Border Patrol” deal with smugglers along the Michigan-Ontario border? Better to send two sexless teenage brothers to investigate if a chotch boaters is really a smuggler or just a douchebag. (Freep)

Categories : State of the State

1 Comments

1

How hard was it to not make a ‘Cop a feel’ joke?

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