Jun
23

DETROIT WILL MAKE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE, ROCHELLE RILEY HOPES DETROIT IS RULED BY THE PLANET MARS, AND JUSTIN VERLANDER IS JUST NO GOOD

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Detroit is the world’s largest arbitrage opportunity

The plan worked! Oh there were doubters and naysayers but in the end Detroit was vindicated. The race to the bottom is over and Detroit won! A half-century of policy decisions designed to reduce population, bankrupt city government, and eliminate land value are finally paying off. Detroit is so dirt cheap that investing here is like investing in a third world country! It costs almost nothing and if you get one right then you’re rich. Like Rayford Jackson. No one is naming New York or Portland or Montreal a great investment with their fancy downtowns, livable neighborhoods, and efficient mass transit. Detroit is like a municipal penny stock or junk bond. (Crains)

Dave Bing is not to be disturbed
The nature of being a public official requires that you are, you know, public. After all a person who serves as, oh I don’t know, let’s say a mayor is responsible not to a small group of shareholders or an even smaller Board of Directors but to everyone. You know, those pesky citizens. Dave Bing will have none of it. He’s busy working and he doesn’t have time to explain things to you slobs so leave him alone. It’s none of your God damn business anyway. Dave Bing is the mayor, not you, so fuck off and die. He’s busy. The end. (Freep)

Turns out those pills won’t make your dick bigger
The thing about an unlikely claim, for instance make money on Twitter, is that if you say it enough then eventually enough dull people will believe it. Then you can sell them your amazing get rich on Twitter plan. The beauty of the internet is that you can reach billions of people for almost nothing thus making the “How to Get Rich on Twitter” business very lucrative. Sadly, the government continues to hassle the small businessman just trying to get ahead. That’s why they had to put away Alan Ralsky. To silence his message that you too can make between $250 and $800 a day on Twitter. (DetNews)

Never park on a flood plain and other things that were once self-evident

A bunch of people went to this country music festival in Ionia. Don’t judge, it takes different strokes to move the world. Sadly they all parked on this giant flood plain and it rained. Alot. Now something like 1000 cars are pretty much underwater. Where is FEMA? Why doesn’t Barack HUSSEIN Obama care about these water-clogged F-150’s and their valuable NASCAR decals? Someone should alert Glen Beck to the federal government’s criminal neglect of this tragedy. Children of rural Michigan, this is your Katrina! And it’s long overdue! (MLive)

Rochelle Riley combines vapid optimism with daffy numerology

The Macomb County Charter Commission is awesome because everything they did involved the number 26. Don’t even try to use logic. This idea sprung from Rochelle Riley’s brain and that place hasn’t seen logic in decades. The Detroit Charter Commission’s magic number, according to Shawomyn Riley, is nine. That’s an awesome number because it’s divisible by three which means it has magical powers and a purple aura! Let’s just ignore that a governing document is only as good that the government that implements it or that the Charter Commission field is chock-full of third-raters like Malik Shabazz, Freman Hendrix, and even a few dirty hipsters. The new Charter is going to be so amazing! (Freep)

Hockey coach’s perversion is a shock, except that it isn’t
Oh noes, everyone in Grosse Pointe is completely surprised that Grosse Pointe South’s creepy, aloof hockey coach turned out to be some kind of sick pervert with boxes of kiddie porn. These freaks are never satisfied with a couple dirty magazines hidden in the closet, are they? The real sickos always need a library of that grotesque illegal porn. Anyway Grosse Pointe is still totally shocked that Bob Bopp turned out to be a pederast. Except, as always, warning signs were completely ignored. Oh sure, some parents had concerns but their kids were losers and the team won a state championship. Winners never molest. (DetNews)

Hey, Justin Verlander stop being a dick

Two years ago, Justin Verlander pitched against the Milwaukee Brewers and threw a no-hitter. Verlander faced the Brewers again on Sunday and was awful. He gave up two whole runs in 7 2/3 innings. What an asshole. He couldn’t even go seven pitches before giving up a run. If Justin Verlander really cared at all, he would throw a no-hitter everytime he pitched. But he doesn’t care because he’s content giving up two runs en route to a 3-2 win. He’s the worst pitcher in the history of pitchers. Thank the Christ Jesus we have sportswriters like John Clayton to point that out. (DetNews)

Categories : State of the State

3 Comments

1

I wonder if John Clayton realizes Verlander is one of our most consistent pitchers? Also, I’m very glad to hear the attendees of the Birthday Bash in Ionia are going to be getting their $15 parking fee refunded. Think about it positively, $15 less they have to spend on fixing flood damage due to Clear Channel’s decisions!

2

SOMEONE PAID $15 to PARK IN IONIA?!?!?!

3
Woodwards Friend
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm

Well the thing you have to understand is that the whole town was there so that lot was in high demand.

I have this image of some local criminal (a la Snake from the Simpsons) going on a B&E spree while everyone else is enjoying the sounds Alan Jackson or whoever at the race track.

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