Jun
29

MONICA IS THE ONE THAT THEY WANT (OOH OOH OOH), PACKARD PLANT BURNS FOREVER, AND MICHAEL JACKSON IS STILL DEAD

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Monica Conyers sort of resigns, has dumb glasses

Never understood Grease. Let’s celebrate a girl getting knocked-up girl with the lamest music of the 1950s. Frankie Avalon? Really? The decade that brought us Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly, and Miles Davis and they’re all about Frankie fucking Avalon? Apparently Monica Conyers liked Grease because she stole her glasses from the Pink Ladies. Also she resigned her position as “Council President Pro-Tem of the Detroit City Council.” A University of DC law school alum until the end. Meanwhile, Sam Riddle is running around town telling anyone who will listen that John is up to his neck in it. Sweet. (Freep, more Freep)

Detroit’s own Springfield Tire Fire

Oh those wacky Simpsons with their absurdist lampooning of civic pride. No city, no matter how inept or bizarre, actually has a never ending industrial fire. That would be crazy. It’s funny because it’s not true! Except that it is. In Detroit. The Packard Plant caught on fire. Again. Of course catching fire assumes that the previous fire was extinguished. Forget ruin parks or urban farming, never ending industrial fires will be Detroit’s new attraction. It’ll be like the old Backdraft ride at Universal Studios except the carcinogens will actually kill you! Detroit: you know us by our authenticity. (Freep)

Michigan celebrates greatest transportation triumph in nearly half-century
I-75 is re-opening around Mexican Town which is good because getting to Lupita’s has been a bitch. The fancy “Gateway” project surrounding that Ambassador Bridge everyone hates is basically complete five months early despite Matty Moroun’s refusal to do pretty much everything he was supposed to for this multi-billion dollar public-private partnership of concrete and unnecessary suspension bridges for pedestrians. Whatever, it will be nice to get to Lupita’s by way of the MCS Rape Tunnel again. And that mound of dirt MDOT dumped on Matty’s illegal bridge was pretty cool too. (DetNews)

Remembering things that didn’t really happen
A bunch of people who didn’t know Michael Jackson gathered outside Motown’s old studio to mourn Jackson’s death which is awesome since the Jackson Five’s Motown era pretty much corresponded with the record label’s move to California. Don’t tell that to people like 24-year-old Yolanda Marie Fondren who treated Michael Jackson “like family” or would have if she had ever met Michael Jackson. Or been within 50 miles of him at any given point. That opportunity now passed so she just tattooed his name on her wrist. You know those things are permanent right Yolanda? Move over Elvis and dogs playing poker, the velvet painting industry has a new icon. (DetNews)

Why can’t you slobs just sleep with your wives?

No one has a job or savings and pretty soon we won’t have houses once Rock Financial decides they want more than just interest payments. Despite all this, we’re still finding the time and money to go fuck people we aren’t married too! And we’re doing it with the internets! Not just Craigslist either but fancy subscription hook-up sites for bored housewives and horny chartered accountants who want that little extra they can’t get at home. One Detroit woman is cheating because her marriage hasn’t “measured up.” Ha ha her husband has a small penis! (Freep)

Categories : State of the State

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