DEMOCRACY ADORNS US WITH DOWNRIGHT MORONS, WARREN EVANS IS THE ZAC EFRON OF LAW ENFORCEMENT, AND MIKE COX IS PISTOL PACKING IN CHICAGO

We’re idiots, babe, it’s a wonder we can even feed ourselves
The Charter Commission could do us all a favor by enacting stricter ballot access rules. Take Charter Commission candidate Teola Hunter or rather, the candidate for the Commission to re-write the Charter with the name of Teola Hunter. That’s how she talks. City Council candidate Raphael Johnson’s campaign has “infrastructure.” Despite the city’s structural deficit and shrinking tax base, Johnson won’t cut spending. But no one compares to Council candidate Zsa Zsa Hubbard(conceived during Zsa Zsa Gabor and Orville Hubbard’s brief but passionate love affair) because Zsa Zsa, well maybe it’s best if we just let Zsa Zsa’s explain: “As the oldest sibling of eight siblings, I love children, I love people, and I believe that’s helped me to be the leader I’ve been called to be today. Especially the different organizations and things that I’ve encountered in all my life. I pray and hope that you see those same incentives and things that I have encountered in my life.” (MIVotes)

We really thought these two kids were gonna make it
Dave Bing emerged from his fortress of solitude to dispute the authenticity of his purported autobiography announce Warren Evans as Detroit’s new police chief. Bing explained that he fired James Barren because it felt like it was time for a change. Bing thinks fondly of Barren and hopes they can remain friends. After all, Barren is Dave Bing’s first police chief. He’ll always occupy a special place in Dave Bing’s heart but it’s just that…it’s just they’ve grown apart and, if we’re honest about things, they grew apart weeks ago. So why not conduct a national search and find the best possible replacement? Because that would take time and Warren Evans is available, once he breaks off his thing with Wayne County which was totally casual anyway. Be careful Chief Evans. One word: rebound. (Freep)

Detroit Regional Chamber of FAIL!
It is so easy to get on the ballot in Detroit that even Zsa Zsa Hubbard qualified. So did 166 other City Council candidates and something like 50 would be Charter Commissioners. All you have to do was turn in 458 signatures. This is threshold that requires spending a weekend in the University Foods parking lot. But you know who couldn’t rise to this comically low bar? The Detroit Regional Chamber of Commerce! On the advice of famous political strategist Bob Berg, the Chamber hired some fancy firm to collect signatures for their favorite Charter Commission candidates but…wa-wa…they’ve failed. Maybe the state’s unemployment rate is 14%, not because of the forces of globalization and de-industrialization, but because the local economy is in the hands of morons. (Crains)

Mike Cox is all about the right to bear arms in Chicago
One of the most important things for Michigan’s Attorney General to concern himself with, when he’s not covering up for convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick with a comically shoddy investigation, is the handgun law in Chicago. You know, the city in Illinois. That state that isn’t Michigan. This is important because Michiganders go to Chicago and visit their kids who bailed on Michigan because we have no jobs. These people need their guns. Praise the Christ Jesus we have a man, nay hero, like Mike Cox standing up for the right of Michigan citizens to carry firearms in other states. Without Mike Cox, the National Rifle Association couldn’t win this case on the basis of a straight forward year-old Supreme Court precedent. (MLive)

Monica Conyers leaves Council like she served on Council
That is to say she didn’t show up. Probably she had a hair appointment or an emergency trip to Israel. Or an unspecified medical procedure that was totally not a breast reduction. It’s cool because Ken Cockrel and Kwame Kenyatta probably packed up her stuff and left it at the guard stand on the first floor weeks ago. Council wasted no time removing her page from the Council website. Now it will be up to brave third party sites to maintain that picture of Monica and the half naked rapper guy. Or the one with Monica and Christine Beatty. Those photographs belong to the ages. (DetNews)