Jul
20

CITY COUNCIL HAS TAX PROBLEMS, JENNIFER GRANHOLM IS STILL USELESS, AND DAN GILBERT IS TOM WALSH’S OWN PRIVATE JONAS BROTHER

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City Council doesn’t pay taxes, only the little people pay taxes
Say what you will about Leona Helmsley but she was probably a nicer person than Monica Conyers. Or at least she couldn’t have been any meaner than Detroit’s favorite Child of God. And she certainly wouldn’t wait around in a fish market’s parking lot for a mere $2000. Helmsley was definitely smarter than Martha Reeves although that’s no great trick. A box of crayons is smarter than Martha Reeves. Conyers and Reeves (also Alberta Tinsley-Talabi, Kwame Kenyatta, and Barbara-Rose Collins) do have one thing in common with Leona Helmsley. They all hate to pay their taxes. And seriously, can working for City Council be any less soul-crushing than working for the “Queen of Mean?” (Freep)

I live in Michigan, I’m embarrassed by Michigan
Jennifer Granholm doesn’t like to do anything that’s hard. That’s why she was so good as Sarah Palin’s stand-in during Joe Biden’s debate prep. It was a little like Courtney Love playing Althea Flynt. It makes sense that Granholm’s top priority isn’t responding (one way or the other) to Andy Dillon’s public employee health care reform or negotiating a budget for the next fiscal year which starts in, oh ten weeks. Nope. Granholm is busy starring in a fancy commercial to support the state’s not-at-all-cost effective film industry tax credits. Look Kid Rock is also in the commercial! And America’s hottest politician Carey Torrice! We need to blog about Carey more often. She’s hot. (DetNews)

Everyone in Lansing is chicken shit except maybe that Andy Dillon fellow
That’s the theme of Peter Luke’s MLive column. No one wants to deal with the serious problems facing our state, there is a concerted effort to protect a status quo that served us so poorly, and Andy Dillon is the only person offering any new ideas. We already knew that. It’s the comments sections that makes this column State of the State-worthy. One retard thinks schools are wasting too much money teaching Shakespeare. Another dingbat believes university sabbaticals are causing our misery. And this one mouth-breather says Michigan should “close the schools” altogether because that’s where kids are learning the pre-marital sex. Bring your business to Michigan: we’re chock full of dumb slobs. (MLive)

Did Tom Walsh write this column with one hand?
If the Detroit Media Partnership’s embarrassingly saccharine This Time commercial didn’t firmly establish their new direction of boosterism over objective journalism, then Tom Walsh’s man crush on Dan Gilbert should settle that issue. Once again, Walsh burns through column inches explaining how Quicken Loans is awesome. Quicken is hiring “65 to 70 mortgage bankers” every month! That’s why they’re only moving 1700 people downtown (into existing office space) instead of the once promised and probably imaginary 4000. Also that little mortgage thingy “of 2007”? It’s totally over now because people can’t buy enough foreclosed houses so…IT’S TIME TO LIVE! And will someone please hand Tom Walsh a towel? (Freep)

Why the hell does Muskegon even need an airport?
To attract tourism of course! A new advisory committee was created to help Muskegon expand and promote their fabulous airport as a tourist destination to the stars. No really. This dying little town (22% unemployment as of last December) is over an hour away from fancy Grand Rapids and that’s too far for pleasure seekers to drive if they wish to enjoy the sights, the sounds, and the smells of beautiful Muskegon. Once they get the airport expanded, look out Grand Haven because soon everybody who is anybody will be going to Muskegon. Some people call it the Hamptons of the Midwest. None of those people has ever been to the Hamptons but they once heard about it on a VH1 special. (MLive)

Drew and Mike: a rare last bastion of actual journalism
Frank Turner used his colleagues’ credit cards to buy phone sex and massive amounts of cocaine. Then Jesus showed up. Now, Frank is losing his house to foreclosure. Don’t worry because he has $500,000 to buy it back. Which begs the question: when you have $500,000 in cash how to do you end up in foreclosure? Was this an elaborate maneuver to wipe away $600,000 in bad debt? The only people willing to ask Frank Turner these painfully obvious questions were Drew and Mike. Not Fox 2, not the Detroit News, not the Livingston Daily Press & Argus, just Drew and Mike. Sigh. Frank Turner’s answer? Jesus gave him the money. Keep in mind Frank Turner also says Jesus cures cancer through Frank Turner’s hands so Frank Turner is usually full of shit on the whole Jesus subject. (WRIF)

Categories : State of the State

6 Comments

1

People like Monica Conyers and Frank Turner make me proud to say that I’m a godless heathen. To paraphrase Groucho Marx, I don’t want to be a part of religion if it embraces mouth breathers like them as members.

2

The obvious answer here is: FRANK TURNER FOR CITY COUNCIL!

Gov. Jen Jen is killing me, if only because this state is crying out for any kind of leader to make its paralyzed legislature actually do shit. Instead she just trusts them to come up with stuff. It is mind-boggling. That all being said, she is still better than anything the selling soap to each other crowd could have come up with.

Andy Dillon might be the smartest guy in Lansing right now, and he was long before this. Why do you think the 586 teabaggers tried to recall him? Because he’s smart. I just wish the MEA would pick another fight. I have a soft spot for them.

3
Woodwards Friend
July 20th, 2009 at 11:11 pm

Call me crazy but I think God cures cancer with really smart doctors who can perform surgery and chemotherapy. My faith tells me I’m more likely to find God in Jonas Salk’s laboratory than Frank Turner’s vulgar Jesus stadium.

4

I think the real story here is that an African-American has been living in Howell.

5

It is amazing Drew and Mike found the time for that in between “Harris” polls and making fart noises (or just farting into the mic).

6

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again … Andy Dillon’s ideas would be a lot more interested if he hadn’t been a chief architect of past complete fuck ups in Lansing. All of a sudden he proposes this health insurance thing, which wouldn’t save any real money for several years, and everyone insists that it gets passed alongside the state budget that is due in two months. But, oh yeah, did I mention that two years ago, they were in the exact same spot in dealing with the state budget and managed to solve the deficit only four hours past deadline … unless you account for repealing the service tax and replacing it with the much-hated Michigan Business Surcharge Tax — itself crafted right on a deadline.

When these people demonstrate basic competence, I’ll get a lot more excited about their ideas.

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