Jul
29

ROCHELLE RILEY’S VICTORIAN SENSIBILITIES, THE INFAMY OF THE GREAT LAKES, AND DUMB CRIMINALS ALWAYS GET CAUGHT

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Is Rochelle Riley’s remarkably sexist drivel intentional, or just some horrible mistake?

If the day comes when an obituary is written for the internet pamphlets that are Detroit’s newspapers, banality will be one cause of death. And Rochelle Riley surely will be a reason just as smoking is a reason of lung cancer. Apparently under the delusion that we continue to live in a perpetual 1947, Riley scribbles: “And to the women who were bamboozled, hoodwinked, thrown under the bus – or just plain couldn’t help themselves, c’mon sugar pies and honey bunches, turn yourselves in.” We will let Annie Savoy respond: “Women never get lured. They’re too strong and powerful for that.” You can look it up. H/t to Lisa Simpson for the headline. (Freep)

Cobo was only a pawn in their game
Bob Dylan’s Only a Pawn in Their Game, like no other song, sums up the mess that is the Detroit City Council. The Christian Soldiers quit the crusade and Council didn’t veto the revised Cobo deal. When the rubber hits the road, they are the rank cowards. This spat had little to do with the be-jeweled Cobo Hall. It was always about Conyers, Reeves, Watson, Collins, and Talabi moving to the front of a grape-throwing mob, hoping this Jacobin minority could return them to their comfortable $80,000-and-a-car do-nothing jobs. Grebner’s numbers suggest Detroiters may be smarter than that. Too bad this wasn’t settled five months ago so we could have moved forward with other pressing issues. You know, like the other $285,000,000+ we can’t afford to spend. (Freep)

Crazy anti-tax “school boards” support Dillon plan
God, aren’t we tired of these black helicopter-fearng school boards all the time throwing tea bags around whenever someone proposes a little government spending? First they refuse to hire a minister to lead classroom prayers, then won’t spend money to buy intelligent design textbooks for the children, and now they support John Birch Society leader Andy Dillon’s plan to consolidate public employee health insurance. And just because, one time, a group of kids trashed a hotel room at a conference is no reason to get US out of the Model UN. Next thing you know they’re going to start demanding birth certificates to enroll your kids in kindergarten. (DetNews)

Michigan’s “infamous” Great Lakes will kill you with diseases
The city’s Department of Planning and Development offers lower income housing named for four of the five “infamous” (their word) Great Lakes. One wonders if P&D actually knows what infamous means. Or that Lake Ontario doesn’t border Michigan so it isn’t “our” Great Lake, infamous or otherwise. This shouldn’t surprise anyone. Just consider the quality of planning and/or development taking place in this town. That said, maybe the Great Lakes should be infamous. The P&D was probably unaware but Michigan’s beaches are giant petri dishes filled with E. coli and other nasty bacteria. We probably shouldn’t just “dive in” the waters of Pure Michigan®. (Crains, Freep)

Not much of an evil genius after all

The guy who killed his cougar girlfriend and then torched a bar to cover his crime confessed to the police over the phone and taunted them with a lot of “catch me if you can” patter. He’s like some kind of super criminal from the movies! A John Malkovich character or the Zodiac. Except David Edward Metzoian wasn’t anything like that. He’s just a dull hillbilly who committed a dumb crime when his hot nature got the better of him. Someone noticed Metzoian shoplifting in West Virginia and he was arrested pretty soon after that in Kentucky. Most super villains can steal a pack of Twinkies and a warm six-pack of Baltz without getting caught. A lot of ninth-graders can do it, actually. (Freep)

Blueberry Legionnaires Disease will kill us all, it will

OK, eating blueberries won’t kill you unless you are an octogenarian American Legion member and, even then, old age is the more likely the killer. Turns out these awful blueberry diseases are no more harmful to human beings than boring old Dutch Elm. This plague may kill off some of the blueberry crop and that will negatively impact Michigan’s burgeoning pancake industry. People, our state’s waffle houses and breakfast huts need your business more than ever. Even if shortages make blueberry pancakes a food only available to the wealthy elite, consider banana walnut or strawberry. Even plain pancakes with butter and syrup can be a delicious and filling breakfast. Together we can survive this setback for our breakfast economy. (MLive)

Categories : State of the State

5 Comments

1

Downriver is awesome
Where is Andy Dillon’s Birth Certificate?
Michigan grows 1/3 of the country’s Blueberries, this is serious business.

2

Oh, shit! I love blueberries! I am out to the store to buy 10 more pounds before the prices go up!

3

I read a Rochelle Riley yesterday offering ways for voters to whittle down the list of, what, a gazillondy candidates down to a more manageable number. It was somewhat level-headed, thought out, and rational. It was like a sign of the apocalypse – if Rochelle Riley doesn’t sound like your crazy aunt who eats butterscotch pudding and wears aluminum foil on her head to mute the sounds of the demons trying to get into her brain, then the end is nigh.

Then I saw your post about her most recent column, and breathed a bit easier. Clearly, someone slipped some lithium in her coffee and she wrote the voting column while lucid. The medicine’s worn off, and the world is back to normal. Let’s never let that happen again, shall we? Her loopy columns are the natural order of things here in Detroit.

4

what would happen if Rochelle Riley was hanging out at home naked and Kwame showed up?

5

That’s evil grandcircus. Just fucking evil.

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